Thursday, March 26, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 18 of 27

{I just want to tell everybody that I am so sorry but I can’t do the one post a day thing. I feel burnt out, for some reason I can’t write and these last two posts I feel like if I am not giving my 100%. Although my friend has been checking my entries before posting because I have serious problems with grammar, they still lack feeling and I am omitting so many details because I just can’t put them together in a coherent way. I also want to read other blogs that I’ve subscribed but have been neglecting due to working on my blog. So this is my last entry for this week. I will post 2 to 3 entries per week depending on how I am feeling. I am so sorry for disappointing many of you but I just need to take it slow and really enjoy my blogging experience and not feel like it is a job. Thank you for your understanding and despite my “freaking grammar” I still have your support}

I would think about Piercedtongue and how much I missed him. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t cry for him, he didn’t deserve my tears, but sometimes it was impossible to accomplish that. I was very angry and hurt. He didn’t even give me an explanation on why he decided to leave. I was in need of a closure; just a phone call to tell me that it was over and that I could move on because I was still hoping that he would come back, but he never called.

After almost 2 months Moe came back. I had no idea were he was and didn’t want to ask questions. We chatted for a bit, told him that I was embarrassed about staying at his house and that as soon as I got a job I would find my own place. He said not to worry and that he was glad that I was there because most of the time he wasn’t home and it was nice to come back to find that everything was organized.
He was getting ready to hit the club scene and asked me if I was up for it, but didn’t feel like going. I stayed home and had a pity party.

It was around 5 in the morning when I heard someone banging on the door. (I was hoping it wasn’t Midas or worse). I thought that by ignoring it the banging would stop, but it didn’t, therefore, I had to get up and open the door.
It was Moe. I was very upset that he woke me up, so asked him in a very sarcastic way if he forgot his key.

Moe responded: “No, I just can’t figure out how to open the door.”

I thought he was joking and being sarcastic as well. I decided to go back to bed thinking that he would do the same, but kept talking to me and wasn’t making much sense. I was not sure if he was drunk or just trying to be funny, but I was starting to be afraid of him.

He couldn’t keep still, was pacing and talking incoherently. I was terrified and asked if he was ok. He giggled and said that he felt great.
I was thinking on where to go at 5 a.m. Moe was fucken high and I was scared. I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed that he wouldn’t try to come in. I wanted to take a shower and leave, but I was scared that he would try to open the door, so I opted to just wash my face.

I could hear him talking to himself and moving his bed. I was scared to come out. I was trying to remember where I left my purse so I could quickly grab it and go out the door.

I opened the door without looking at him and took my purse trying to make my way out the door. He saw me and asked where I was going so I told him that I was going to get the newspaper.

It was dark outside but not too cold because spring was arriving and I was hoping that it wouldn’t rain. I could hear the cars passing by, but it was still a bit quiet.

Walking and thinking on where to go I decided to go to the park and sit on a bench. I began meditating on my life and talking to God. I wished I had never come to Canada and that I would’ve never have met Piercedtongue. I wished that I would’ve never broken up with Ruben (My boyfriend prior Piercedtongue). I was thinking that I should have different parents or at least a different mom. I wished I was never born. I was so sick of crying, but I couldn’t stop. Many people say that you will feel better after a good cry, well I had many good cries but it didn’t feel any better.

It was 9 a.m. and I was still seating in the same spot. What should I do? Should I visit Sasha? No, it is a weekend and she is with her husband. Should I call Antonio? Yeah right, I don’t have money; I have to walk for at least 3 hours, and wouldn’t have energy to get back…

11 a.m. - Still in the park, maybe I should go back to Moe’s place… Hmmm, no he is probably still high! No, forget it. Who knows what the hell he is on!?!

2 p.m. - Still in the park. I could see people jogging, riding their bikes and luckily it was getting a bit warmer.

I am hungry… Should I go back to that coffee place and steal crackers? Yeah, I am hungry and too proud to beg for money plus in these clothes people are not gonna give me shit…

To be continued...


BitterSweet said...

Even though I will miss the daily post, I completely understand. I will look forward to your next post until next week. :D

Christine said...

We are a patient crowd ... we will wait ... you always do your best ...

Pink LipstiQue said...

This is really intense, it sucks that you have to go through something like this. But this is apart of life, you have to go through the bad to know what the good is. Some day you will look back on all of this and thank God for what he has put you through and brought you through because it was for the good. He is building you and perparing you for something great and sometimes that's how you have to look at things. It's not easy to look at in that point of view put it helps when you do.

Shania said...

Christine and Bittersweet: Thank you for your understanding.

PinkListiQue: It is very true and i have learn a lot. thanks for following my blog.