Tuesday, December 22, 2009


There are times that I want to be reckless. There are times that I'm mad at the world. Times that I want to punch people in face for no apparent reason. To act now and think later or better yet, not to think at all.

I want to be angry because I have a reason....
Because I think I have a valid reason....'
Or because I don't have a reason

I just wanna be mad

Some people would say that there is a reason for my anger
and I think there is but today I don't want to analyze anything
Logic has no business here

I just wanna be mad

Don't wanna think about that crap that I always preach "Everything happens for a reason" Bullshit!

Today, Shit happens cause that's the mothafucken life!
Wish I can blame someone but my stupid conscious speaks and says "that's not fair, don't lay blame"

Wish I can be the victim and say "Oh, It wasn't my fault, I was helpless" but lady honesty says "that's not true, you knew better"

Wish I can say " All it's lost, we are all fucken doomed.Let's just stand here and wait for chaos to arrive"

But inopportune lady hope says "Don't give up, you can change it"

Fuck! What to do?

I want to be mad

Mad for a reason or for no reason

But those three bitches speak their mind.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


Hey guys!

Just wanted to briefly give you guys an update.... I don't know when will be the next time I'll be able to be here because my laptop is not working and I don't know when I'll be able to repair it. Hopefully I can retrieve all my documents from it. What a pain, finally when I was ready to start writing this happend. Well, I am kinda of upset about it but what can I do. I'll try to use the computers from a internet cafe but they are really far from where I live, so I dont know when will i'll be able to do that but I want to thank everybody that left messages "thanks I'really apreciate it" Greenfingers: thanks for the message and will definetly check out the movies that you recommended, BTW beautiful Poem(on your blog) I wanted to comment but I only have 5 min (I'm on a public library computer). U,Marina Soffer, Alpha B,Valerie: Thanks for your comments.



Friday, September 25, 2009

The Rules For Being Human

1. You will receive a body
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period of this time around.

2. You will learn lessons
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons
Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation. The "failed" experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here"
When your "there" has become a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this

Cherie Carter-Scott

Thursday, September 24, 2009

The best foreign movies I've ever seen

Wow, I can’t believe it took me close to two months to post another entry. I had a very busy and fun summer (wish I could say it was productive) but I enjoyed it none of the less. Ok, so here is my list of best foreign movies. I am also posting the links so that you can enjoy them as well but for better video quality, go to a video rental store.

Malena (2000 Italy)

On the day in 1940 that Italy enters the war, two things happen to the 12-year-old Renato: he gets his first bike, and he gets his first look at Malèna. She is a beautiful, silent outsider who's moved to this Sicilian town to be with her husband, Nico. He promptly goes off to war, leaving her to the lustful eyes of the men and the sharp tongues of the women. During the next few years, as Renato grows toward manhood, he watches Malèna suffer and prove her mettle. He sees her loneliness, then grief when Nico is reported dead, the effects of slander on her relationship with her father, her poverty and search for work, and final humiliations.

Icouldn't find a decent link but you can http://www.watch-movies-links.net/movies/malena/

Pan's labyrinth (2006 Mexico/Spain)

In 1944 fascist Spain, a girl, fascinated with fairy-tales, is sent along with her pregnant mother to live with her new stepfather, a ruthless captain of the Spanish army. During the night, she meets a fairy who takes her to an old faun in the center of the labyrinth. He tells her she's a princess, but must prove her royalty by surviving three gruesome tasks. If she fails, she will never prove herself to be the true princess and will never see her real father, the king, again.

I couldn't find a reliable link for this film but you can check out www.ovguide.com,perhaps you might have better luck.

Tell no one ( 2006 France)

The pediatrician Alexandre Beck misses his beloved wife Margot Beck, who was brutally murdered eight years ago when he was the prime suspect. When two bodies are found near where the corpse of Margot was dumped, the police reopen the case and Alex becomes suspect again. The mystery increases when Alex receives an e-mail showing Margot older and alive.

Lilja 4-ever (2000 Russia, Sweden, Denmmark)

In the former Soviet Union, sixteen year old Lilja is very happy, because her mother is moving to the USA with her boyfriend. However, Lilja is left alone, without money or family in a very poor apartment. She spends her time with her only friend, the rejected boy Volodya. Lilja begins to prostitute in a nightclub to survive, and she meets a young man, Andrei, who seduces her and invites Lilja to move with him to Sweden with a promise of a job and lodging. When she arrives in Sweden, reality is not exactly as dreamed.

Orphanage (2007 Mexico-Spain)

The former orphan Laura raises her adopted son Simón with her husband Carlos in an old house and former orphanage where she was raised. Simón is HIV positive and tells Laura that he has five invisible friends, and she believes they are fruit of his imagination. Laura decides to reopen an orphanage for handicapped children in the location and during the opening party, Simón calls her to show the little cabin of his friend Tomás. The busy Laura does not gives much attention to her son; then she sees a mysterious masked boy and Simón vanishes. Laura feels the presence of other persons in the house and months later, the desperate Laura invites a team of parapsychologists to try to unravel the mystery.

As times goes on I hope that my list of “The best foreign movies I’ve ever seen” keeps growing and be sure that I will share them with you. All these films are a must and would love to hear your thoughts once you watch them.

*Megavideo will interrupt you after 72 minutes and will ask you to come back in 52 minutes.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Harvey Krumpet

{The story of a Polish immigrant named Harvie Krumpet and his perspective on life}

I am so sorry for not posting on a regular basis but I have been extremely busy. Since I haven’t had time for myself, I haven’t been inspired to write. I have many rough drafts of things that I want to say but when I try to go back to it, I find myself not wanting to say anything. In part, because I write according to my mood and feelings. When I don’t have time for myself I start to think in a logical way, worrying about laundry, buying food and making sure that all the bills are paid on time. I truly hate being on a logical mode but I guess I ought to be thankful because it makes my life easier.

I also want to thank the nice people that have giving me awards, “I truly appreciate it” I will pass them on , I am not trying to keep them all for myself( it’s mine, my precious). I just need some time to read new blogs.

On another note, I‘ve been wanting to review foreign movies because once in a while I get tired of the same Hollywood crap. Plus I really love foreign films. If you know of any good foreign films let me know. So my next post will probably be about foreign films and I will send you the link so that you can watch them too (yes, I know watching movies online is wrong but you don’t have to see them if you don’t want to).
I want to leave you with one of the best animated short movies I have seen and it’s totally legal (I think, don’t quote me on that one). It’s approximately 20 minutes long, hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Her Voice

The wild bee reels from bough to bough
With his furry coat and his gauzy wing,
Now in a lily-cup, and now
Setting a jacinth bell a-swing,
In his wandering;
Sit closer love: it was here I trow
I made that vow,
Swore that two lives should be like one
As long as the sea-gull loved the sea,
As long as the sunflower sought the sun,-
It shall be, I said, for eternity
'Twixt you and me!
Dear friend, those times are over and done;
Love's web is spun.
Look upward where the poplar trees
Sway and sway in the summer air,
Here in the valley never a breeze
Scatters the thistledown, but there
Great winds blow fair
From the mighty murmuring mystical seas,
And the wave-lashed leas.
Look upward where the white gull screams,
What does it see that we do not see?
Is that a star? or the lamp that gleams
On some outward voyaging argosy,
Ah! can it be
We have lived our lives in a land of dreams!
How sad it seems.
Sweet, there is nothing left to say
But this, that love is never lost,
Keen winter stabs the breasts of May
Whose crimson roses burst his frost,
Ships tempest-tossed
Will find a harbour in some bay,
And so we may.

And there is nothing left to do
But to kiss once again, and part,
Nay, there is nothing we should rue,
I have my beauty,-you your Art,
Nay, do not start,
One world was not enough for two
Like me and you.

Oscar Wilde

Monday, June 22, 2009

When I ‘m gone

The day my time is done, I want to be happy

I want to be complete

I don’t want to have any regrets

I don’t want to be thinking what if? And I should’ve or why didn’t I?

When my time is up

I want to look into the eyes of my family

Without saying a word, with out making a fuss

I want them to know that I had a great life

That while I was here

I made a difference in their lives

No tears, no sadness, no frustration, no negativity

I have done what I can and have fulfilled my mission in life

I had learned so much and truly knew what living meant...

I am ready to meet my creator

I am ready to move to the other dimension

Where there is none of that silliness that I was accustomed while living on earth

In that place, no one cares about how much money you have, the way you look, what your ethnicity is, or what university you graduated from

It will just be me, my true essence...

No façades, no lies, or pretending to be someone that I am not

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be able to hide anywhere

I will be exposed

I would be standing there as if I was naked, but won’t feel vulnerable

I will feel confident and whole

I would have to take responsibility for my actions while I was on earth

I would see all the trials and tribulations that I went through

It was necessary

That’s how I learned to live and got equipped with the right armor

I will live forever

It might take me a bit to get use to the changes and all the strange things that I would see, but will be thrilled to be there

I will see some of my family members and we would re tale anecdotes of when we were on earth

We would laugh about the many times we cried and felt distressed when something went wrong in our lives. “How silly we were… being a big baby and crying when the universe was trying to teach us something” someone would point out

I would take long walks with Jesus and ask many questions… questions about the universe, science, religion, life and will understand everything

I would literally feel how my mind keeps expanding as I am taking all this knowledge

My mind and the universe expanding in one accord

No more confusion, now everything makes sense

I would be asked to greet new people and it will feel as we knew one another… as if we were old friends but we’ve never met

We would be happy to see each other

When we were living in the world, our souls knew one another, our souls made connections but we were too busy to pay attention. While living on earth, our physical body was in charge and our souls, our poor souls were neglected, suffering in silence

But now it’s time for our souls to rise

This is who I’m really are

This is home where I belong

The clocks keep ticking

Every day gets closer to my departure

Every day I have a chance to prepare myself for that day

My choices affect my decisions and my decisions affect my destiny

I want to fulfill my mission

I want no regrets when I am gone

I want to be ready

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Kreative and Neno's Award

I would like to thank Christine for giving me these awards. Which brings me to my next question WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CHRISTINE? DID I MISS SOMETHING? Anyhow, Christine if you are reading this, I just want to thank you for the awards and hope everything is going well in your life. If you have a chance don’t hesitate to leave me a message.

I would like to pass on Neno’s award to:

The 1.000.000 project: I want to thank you for the many times I laughed while reading your blog.

Slackers with advance degrees: Thomas, I love your sense of humor. Never thought lawyers can be this fun.

Jeah, Lover of life: thanks for reminding me of the many beautiful things that are worth living.

The gardeners life in motion: What can I say.. I guess people need to read your blog so they can understand where I am coming from. You’re not afraid to speak your mind and keeping things honest. It’s a pleasure reading your blog.

It'sUnbeweavable: What a fun blog. It’s so exciting being a girl!

I would like to pass on the Kreative award to:

Novelista barista: Thanks for sharing the world through your eyes, loved your traveling adventures.

My sanctuary: Thanks for allowing me to look into your soul, for not holding back and for sharing your thoughts. Lovely poems.

Valerie Wangnet: Wow! What else can I say. Love your writing style… as Christine once said.. or something like it“ it scares me but some how I keep looking for more.”

Life and Woes: Love your blog; love your sense of humor. Keep up the good work.

Nimrod’s Tower: thanks for the advice that you’ve giving me…. it sure made me see things in a new light.

There are no rules to follow(there were rules but I forgot them.) Just pass on these awards to your favorite bloggers.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


As you all know I haven’t been here in a while. To be honest… I didn’t feel like turning on the computer, writing on my blog, checking my email, I didn’t sign in the msn or facebook. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, I cancelled many invitations to go out and didn’t call my friends for a while. I drifted into reading and thinking. I was thinking so much but I couldn’t write anything, thinking about so much crap that didn’t make any sense. It might be because for a while I have been jobless, and I can’t work until I solve some issues but this might take about 6 to 8 months. Oddly enough I was not bored because even though I am not working, I am doing a lot of things such as taking care of a family member that is ill, pretty much this occupied most of my day.

When it was time for me to relax, I wasn’t interested in doing things that once were pleasurable to do. I don’t feel I was depressed because I wasn’t sad…. who knows, maybe it was some kind of depression.

At the same time, I discovered the Twilight series… and I love them! I remember when I went to see the movie Twilight; I thought we were going to get kicked out of the movie theater because my friend and I couldn’t stop laughing thinking on how corny the story was… Until I read the book, OMG I totally felt in love with Edward Cullen. I devoured the 1st book in 2 days and the 2nd book in one day. I am currently on the 3rd book but taking it slow because I am approaching the last book and I don’t want it to end! I know how silly it sounds; I never thought that I was going to have dreams about Edward Cullen. I am just hoping that Midnight Sun would come out soon (Edward’s point of view.)

Anyhow, this Friday I resolved to say yes to an invitation to hang out with a couple of friends and decided that it was time to step out of that “daze”. I am overwhelm by the messages that some of you left (especially on 20somethingbloggers.)
I couldn’t help but to feel touched by your concerns and the much love that was received. Thank you, it means a lot to me. I probably would never meet most of you but to know that I have made many good friends through this medium makes me feel that I have incredible amounts of support. As my inner ghetto-fabulous girl would say “you got my back, on citas”!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Color Of Water

Sometimes without conscious realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living holding on the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to renter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the places of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but he finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone on to a new and different life, and in thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists.
The color of water by James McBride
Chapter 24

Friday, May 22, 2009

Those Were The Days...

{One of my favorite poems. Check it out}

The days of my youth are over

The days of “everything will be alright” are gone

All I have are the memories of what happened during those years.

Those years full of happiness, bitterness and hopefulness.

The days were my friends were my world and there was no human power that could separate us.

The days were I felt the hottest and the ugliest.

The thinnest and the fattest.

The saddest and the happiest.

Everybody told me how beautiful I was… but I felt ugly. How wrong was I...

The days were I believe in the happily ever after

The days I believed I could change the world

The days I thought I would never die, I would never get old

All I have are bittersweet memories of the past, remembering those fun times…..

Those days that I can’t go back to and not sure if I want to do that

I wonder where you are Wendy

I wonder what you are doing Karla

I wonder if you are happy Jesus

Anthony, did you know how much I liked you?

Jose… why would you do that? That is not the person you once were..

Michaelon, would you remember me if you heard my name?

Although I miss those days I have no regrets.

Do I wish I could have done more? Yes

Do I wish I would have done it better? Yes

DO I wish I didn’t make mistakes? No

I am thankful that I wasn’t afraid to live…. I have so many stories to tell….

P.S Don’t forget to wear your sunscreen!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Graduation Day!

While looking for a book to read I found my yearbook. In an instant I was transported to that sunny day in June when graduation was going to take place. It must have been around noon when I was waiting outside the dean’s office.

It was no surprise that he wanted to see me. Finally it was my turn to go in. He said “I am doing all I can to see you graduate but to be honest with you I am not sure if that will be possible”.

I was hardly in school that senior year. I skipped so many classes, hated math class and I didn’t go at all. The only class that I loved and was always there was French. Although my teacher was a phony and an asshole, I loved French class and everything that had to do with France. I used to play with the idea that one day I would move to France and meet a handsome guy; we will marry and live happily ever after. French was the only subject in which I never had less than a B in all my tests and quizzes.

I came out of his office not knowing what to do. How will I be able to tell my mom that I’m not graduating? What am I going do if I can’t finish high school?
My friends were talking about the clothes they were going to wear underneath their gown and the way they’ll do their hair. But not me, I didn’t care about that. I was hoping for a miracle.

Everybody started going home but I didn’t want to go, home was the last place I wanted to be. I headed for my locker and I saw my 7th period teacher (an after school program were they help kids with their homework.) Mr. Dominguez asked if I was ready to walk the aisle in full cap and gown. If I was relived that all my hard work had paid off. I didn’t say anything, for one I didn’t want him to know about my problems and on the other hand I was the president of the Hispanic club (a 150 member club.)I was mortified if he found out what a bad example I was. Embarrassed to tell him that I was never in school because I partied a lot, I responded “yes I am ready” he said “what are you doing here, go home… you girls take so long ... You will need all the time you can get. He was smiling but I wasn’t. He then asked if everything was OK. I didn’t reply … I was asked to go to his classroom.

I explained what happened. He had no Idea that I was always skipping school. After a much deserved scolding, he asked If I had been to summer school and have done community service. I was always going to summer school. Not because I wanted to learn but because being at home was hell, it was better to be in school then to put up with the constant yelling and screaming at my mom’s house. In regards of the community service, I had tons of hours because being the president of a club meant that you have to volunteer so others can follow and then again, I rather do that then put up with my mom.

Mr. Dominguez called every place were I volunteered and asked them to send faxes stating that in deed I was there. He also called the dean and explained that every year I had been to summer school, took a 7th period class and had tons of community hours.
After much deliberation the dean said:” you are graduating, I want to see you at 4:30 today”. I was thrilled, I couldn’t believe it! I hugged Mr. Dominguez, thanked him for helping me out and rushed to get home.

When I arrived home, mom wasn’t there… While waiting for her, I started to get ready. It was 4pm and my mom finally arrived.

I said “mom are you coming to my graduation?”

For the longest time she kept asking when was I going to graduate? I didn’t give her a date because I wasn’t sure.

She said: “ok, tell me when you are going to graduate so I can ask for the day off”

I said: “I am goanna graduate in about 2 hour.


She was furious. I told her that if she didn’t want to go she could go to work, but for Hispanic parents (or most parents) missing your daughter/son graduation ceremony it is like missing their wedding day.

Standing in the stadium looking at the crowd, I could see my mom; she had this gigantic flower arrangement. It felt so good that she was there; I was hoping that she was proud of me. I changed my direction to the names on the floor, all in alphabetic order. So many empty spaces, many friends that didn’t make it to graduation day. Some of them in juvi (juvenile hall, jail for minors) others got pregnant, a handful had to drop out of high school to start working and help their families, a few got lost in the world of gangs, violence and drugs, and some simply didn’t have enough credits to finish high school. In a class of about 1000 students about 500 made it to that day. For many, high school is the beginning, for us was a long and enduring battle. We couldn’t believe that we were standing there, after much struggle we made it.

The stadium was filled with our hopes and dreams. Some wanted to be rappers or entertainers, others athletes, most of us if not all wanted to make our families proud, a few had dreams of going to college and many just wanted to get the hell out of that town and live life. We were ready to experience the world and eat it whole in one bite. We were naïve and immature, we were young.

After the ceremony some of my friends were throwing a party. We danced and drank, but mostly we talked. We started talking since 11pm until the next day around 9am. We were closer than ever, all of us were able to open up, talk about our wildest dreams and the way we were feeling about becoming adults. No one poked fun of anyone, we treated each other with respect as good brothers and sisters. We advised one another, we laughed, cried and laughed some more. We promised to be friends forever, to never forget about one another, to keep in touch and that no matter where we go, we will always remember where we came from.

I haven’t seen most of them since, and do not keep in touch with any of them, but I would never forget that night. There was no drama, and no judgment. That night, when all of us were there for each other, a true familia.

We felt like an army, some soldiers were not with us anymore, others were wounded but for the ones there, we were delighted to be together closer than ever. We couldn’t wait to start living.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

This is me right now

What is love?
Perhaps I am just not sure

What is happiness?
Maybe my idea of happiness is different from what I thought

What is contentment?
Could it be that I am just asking for too much.. Or expecting a lot from you

What is fairness?
What? I don’t think it exists… at least not in this world (I am not sure if fairness exist ... yet I would fight for it)

What is assertiveness?
It sure is something that I am missing right now

What is confusion?
Exactly what I am feeling right now


It feels as if I am evolving… and it’s painful, it’s frustrating, it’s confusing …..
I am evolving into what? I have no idea, all I have are questions and there are no answers..
Could it be a quarter life crisis? I have no idea …..

I need to find myself.. I can’t even recognize myself sometimes… it feel as if I am not me anymore. In the outside it looks like me but in the inside it doesn’t feel like me… but then again who was I before? How do I know that was the real me? I am still in the same place I started, one question after another one… the answers that I get formulate another question.. and another one and another… ultimately I end up being more confused than before.

Don’t get me wrong… I pretty much have the same philosophy and hold the same principles that I had since the beginning of this “confusion” but I am still confused about other things….

The worst part is that people still come to me for advice… I had to tell them to make their own decisions … that probably it's time for them to find the answers within themselves… something that I haven’t been able to do for myself.

What do I want?
I don’t know

What do I need?
Who knows?

Why do I feel this way?
I don’t know but I know I must remain positive and I am somewhat positive……
I must see it as an opportunity…. To re-evaluate myself, to find myself and to prepare for what might be coming… the one theory I can make out of this, is that “maybe” my mind is preparing for something… preparing for a change…. What kind of change?? I have no idea… will it be a positive change? I really hope so, I hate drama. But like I keep saying “everything happens for a reason” (I guess this should be my motto) There are no good or bad experiences… I believe it is just neutral; we make it bad or good depending on what we get out of it. In the end I think everything is what we make of it. Change is coming ….. I just hope I make a good thing off of it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Friends and Favorite's Award

A while back I received the friends and favorite’s award from my friend William H. Balzac [Author of “The wind shall hear my words] thanks Will. Please check out his blog Vice and Verses, a blog about poetry, music and so much more.
I would like to pass on this award to exceptional human beings whose blogs have taught and inspired me in more than one way. Some how I feel a close relationship with these individuals, a relationship that goes beyond the borders of race, creed, sexual preferences, socioeconomic issues and geographical location.

Alpha B. Push The Button Alpha And Induced Metamorphosis

Faker What If? and Fake Fiction


The “U” (Yes, I know you did not want an award but I couldn’t help myself …)

Alena Rosa


Vixen Kitten A Grateful Heart and Journey Of My Heart


Here are the rules:

“These blogs are exceedingly
charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Funny Videos

To those of you that have been kind enough to give me an award(thanks so much it is enormously appreciated). I am reading new blogs and catching up with others so that I can pass on these awards.

The following are some of my favorite videos from youtube. Enjoy and remember "it is just a joke".

Friday, May 1, 2009

Letter to my grandma

While working at the same coffee shop/restaurant that I mentioned on my last story, a petit red headed woman in her 40’s approached me. Asked for a coffee, proceeded to take a sit and began drinking her coffee. Closing time was approaching; I was trying to do as much possible so I could leave soon. She decided to start a conversation with me but I wasn’t very happy about that because that meant stopping what I was doing to start chatting with her.

She began telling me that she was a writer and was trying to find someone to publish her books but wasn’t having much luck. I didn’t know what to tell her. Obviously I felt bad that she was having a hard time publishing her books but I couldn’t do anything about it. I told her not to give up and to believe that when the time was right everything would fall into place.

{Ok, here I go with one of those incredible stories that I don’t have an explanation to and I am not even sure on what to believe. I am trying to recall as much as I can but somehow my fear prevented me from remember everything so I will only write what I remember.}

She said: “I have a message from your grandmother”

I smiled and said: “I am sorry I think you have the wrong person, my grandmother doesn’t live here”

She said “No, I am not confused it is you who I have to give the message to and I know that your grandmother doesn’t live here, she died about 4years ago”

I was terrified. I couldn’t find any logical way to explain how this woman knew about my grandmother. I have never mentioned anything about my grandmother to anyone. I didn’t (and still not sure) that the dead come back and leave messages to people. I let her talked but was very nervous because I couldn’t find an explanation.

She continued saying: “your grandmother wants you to tell your mother not to worry that everything its going to be ok (My mom was having some serious health problems). She wants you to go back to school as soon as possible and to finish what you started (I left the states without finishing college). That she is very proud of you. In regards of your current relationship don’t be afraid you will be really happy with him (yes, I was going out with Marven at the time). She wants everybody to know that she is in a good place; there is no need to worry about anything.

I was perplexed…. couldn’t think about anything. I was in a state of shock. Wished I would have asked questions but I didn’t. I was very surreal and my mind went blank. Before leaving she mentioned her name but I wasn’t really listening.

I am still not sure what to make of this. I don’t know if it this lady just happen to guess all this or that it was really my grandmother that gave her the message. Either way, if I could see my grandmother again… I would give her this letter.

Querida Abuelita (Dear Grandma):

The day you left, there was a huge void in my heart. I am sorry that I didn’t go to your funeral but I felt that it was point less because you were not there anymore. I am happy that when you were alive, we got to say our goodbyes and you told me how much you loved me. I always knew you did. After all do you remember that it was you who I would look for when my mom wanted to hit me? I knew you would defended me and you always believed in me. I pretended that I didn’t hear you when you secretly told me that I was your favorite granddaughter. Even if you would’ve never told me, your actions did.

I always admired you. You were such a strong woman but knew when to be soft if the situation required it. You didn’t even finish middle school and yet you were a wealth of knowledge. You knew exactly what to do if I was sick or was in trouble. You were never afraid to show your affection but would correct me if I was being a brat.

I would’ve wanted you to be around longer but your time was up. Abuelita I miss you so much. There has been times in my life when I have felt lost and had wished that I could ask you questions. You had all the answers (at least that’s how I felt). You always knew how to comfort me and make everything better. Between you and me, I got along way better with you then with mom (shhhh just don’t tell her, I know you can keep a secret).

How I wish you can still be here right now. I really want to hug you and be with you even if I couldn’t talk to you. Just to feel your warmth and know that I am safe.
Thank you so much for all those wonderful years that you gave me and the many sacrifices that you made in trying to protect me.

If I ever become a grandmother I wish that I could be half the woman you were. Dear grandma, I know you are gone but you left hundreds of fond memories tattooed in my mind and in my heart. Be sure that my offspring will know about you and you will come alive through recollections of the time we were together. Until we meet again abuelita…. I will be missing you.

Quien te ama y nunca te olvida,


Friday, April 17, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 27 of 27 Finally!

{Thank you all for your patience, I know I dragged it for so long but I am finally done. I will be taking a couple of weeks off but will be responding to all the comments. I want to thank my friend that helped me with some posts but eventually had to fire because she was too busy getting married LOL. Thanks once again and I love you all!}

At work my boss didn’t bother me at all, everything was fine except that I was still finishing at midnight and basically working 4 hours everyday for free.
One of those nights Marven came to visit me at the restaurant. I was very surprised to see him because I never told him where I worked (he asked Moe). He helped me clean and was able to finish at 9:30.

Marven was coming everyday to help me clean(I never asked him) every night we would leave together to watch movies, go to bars, etc. we were spending so much time together and was really enjoying being with him. Eventually we ended up as girlfriend and boyfriend. After 1 ½ years of going out we got married. It has been over 2 years since we married. We love each other, have a great relationship and frankly I couldn’t be happier with him.

One day while talking to him he said something that really got me thinking “I know that I was the reason you came to Canada”. I honestly believe that. I know that I went through a lot, in part because of my stupidity, lack of experience and partly because I needed to go through that so I could learn many valuable lessons, grow as a person and really value the nice things that I have now.

I remember when I got married and saw our apartment for the first time. I couldn’t believe that this was where I was going to live; finally a place to call home and to have someone to share my life with was unbelievable. Not long ago I was thinking on just surviving and trying to make ends meet. I got way more than what I asked for.

I never heard from Piercedtongue again. I decided to forgive him even thought I never received an apology. I wish him the best and I hope that he finds/found happiness.

I would like to make one thing clear. By any means I don't want people to believe that all Muslims or Arabs are bad people. I happened to have many Arabic and Muslims friends that are nothing like Piercedtongue and to categorize everyone as being bad will be pure ignorance from my part.

I could have never done it without God’s help and all the people that helped me even when I didn’t want help. For those that are going through something similar, my advice is: Don’t give up, learn from your mistakes, don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t hold grudges and always believe that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 26 of 27

A few days later I was still in so much pain and with a huge bump on my forehead. I had enough money to move out so I called my friend Antonio to see if he could help me find a room to rent. We checked many places and found a nice room that was going to be available on Saturday. I couldn’t believe it a place of my own at last. I talked to Moe and thanked him for letting me stay at his place. I offered to give him some money but he refused to take it. I gave him the money anyway, it was only fair.

Saturday arrived; I was thrilled to be moving out. I was trying to find Marven’s phone number but I couldn’t find it and Moe was no where to be found. Sasha had a car so she helped me move and bought me a couple of home appliances.
There I was finally out of Moe’s house…. I just needed to work a bit more so that I could have enough money to go back to the states.

I didn’t see Marven for a while and was too busy and tired to look for him. I thought that maybe it was better this way.

A friend of mine wanted to hook me up with a friend of hers. She told me that he was an older man but very wealthy and distinguished. I wasn’t too thrilled about him being older but I decided to give it a shot. I wanted to meet him in at starbucks just in case the date turns bad, I could quickly drink my coffee and leave.

The date wasn’t going too bad but I could see that we had no chemistry. He wasn’t an ugly guy but nothing that I was attracted to. He was very refined, educated and polite. He even brought a gift (my friend told him that I was a fan of Andrea Bocelli) so he gave me 2 of Andrea Bocelli’s cd's and another cd of various opera singers. He asked me if I wanted to go to Niagara Falls. I have never been to Niagara Falls before. I agreed because I really wanted to go and he wasn’t a bad person to be around.

He drove for a few hours and we finally got there. He took me to a very nice restaurant. I was asked by the waiter what kind of wine I wanted (I had no idea about wines but I vaguely remembered from living in California “pink zinfandel”) it was a nice fruity wine. Dinner was great and I was very interested in everything he had to say. He asked if I was interested in spending the nigh there (umm hell no, I am not about to give it up to this man!) I told him that we should get back to the city. We went back and took a walk through downtown .At the end of the date he asked me what I wanted from life and what did I think of this date. I did not expect him being so straight forward but I appreciated that. I told him that I wanted to go back to the States and to finish college but after that I wasn’t sure (didn’t answer his questions about the date.I couldn’t tell him that we had no chemistry). He said that he wanted to get married (hmm… I didn’t want to marry at all) and talked about his business plans etc.

He totally knew that we were not right for each other. We said our goodbyes and I spoke to him a couple of times later, he asked me if I needed help in going back to the states but I was doing much better plus I felt uncomfortable taking money from him.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 25 of 27

One morning, I heard someone knocking on the door around 7am. I thought that maybe Moe forgot his keys but when I opened the door it was Marven. I was so embarrassed to see him because I just woke up and looked awful. He excused himself for coming very early but said that it was impossible to find me in the evenings and he just wanted to say hello. We chatted for a bit, I updated him about my life then he left to go to work. Marven’s morning visits were becoming more often. I would wake up around 6:30am washed my face, brushed my teeth, putted a little blush and mascara, checked that I was smelling fresh and go back to bed. When he came, I would pretend that I just woke up (I wanted him to think that I woke up with minty breath and rosy cheeks).

It was a Friday night and I managed to finish at 11pm. I got home and saw Marven waiting in the lobby, he said “I was waiting for Moe” (yeah right of course I didn’t believe him) he came in; we made out and asked me if I wanted to have sex (I really wanted to have sex with him). That was the day that I finally knew what making love was. He was so gentle, he took the time to get me in the mood, and he made sure that I always had pillows under my head. It was so different from what I knew from Piercedtongue.

The truth was that I didn’t think much of my relationship with Marven. He was a sweet handsome guy that I was attracted to but I didn’t see it seriously. I thought “I am just gonna use this experience to mend my heart and then it’s over, this is only a hook up”

Going to work was a drag, not because I was working 12 hours a day and 6 days per week but because my boss was always trying to catch a feel. I would be washing dishes or preparing an order and he would walk by me, bump into my butt and say “oh I am sorry it was an accident”. I would believe his story if it happened a few times but it was very often. After the butt incident he moved on to hugging me in the kitchen when no one was around. I asked him to stop but he continued and now trying to kiss me on my cheek. I felt so helpless because I didn’t want to lose my job; I almost had enough money to move out of Moe’s and couldn’t afford to lose this job. I thought on telling his wife but I knew that if I said anything, she would fire me. I endured his constant sexual harassment and avoided any situation in which I had to be alone with him.

It was Saturday morning. I got to work and noticed that his wife wasn’t there. I asked if she was sick and he said “I have decided to give her Saturdays off because it is not very busy, you and me can handle the clients” (are you kidding me? Saturdays were our busiest days!) I didn’t feel like talking to him so I just continued with my work. Closing time was approaching and I kept telling him that I could finish by myself and that he could go home (anything to avoid being alone with him). He refused to go home insisting that I could finish faster if he was around to help me.

I was staying away from him and always standing by the surveillance cameras, just in case if he tried to do something, it’s caught on camera. I needed to go to the kitchen were he was and thought” ok, I am going in really quick, take whatever I need and leave before I give him a chance to hug me or something like it. As soon as I went in the kitchen, I saw him smiling at me in a very creepy way. He hugged me really tightly and tried to kiss me on the lips; I managed to pull away and kicked him in the shins.

He was chasing me around the tables and chairs. I was so scared and told him to leave me alone and that I didn’t want to work there anymore. There were stools lined up and thought that if I could climb up the table, run through those stools really fast I could make it to the back door and leave. I managed to run through 3 stools when I lost my balance and felt off, I landed on a bunch of chairs and got hurt pretty badly. Half of my body was on the floor and the other half was still on the chairs. I felt a bump on my forehead growing by the second and couldn’t get up. I was crying, telling him to go away. He offered to take me to the hospital and said we would pay for it. I didn’t want to go because my visitors permit expired.

He took me home and apologized but I was still very upset, he promised that he wont bother me anymore but to please not leave the job(many of my friends said that I should’ve ask him for a raise and /or money to keep my mouth shut and not tell his wife. Frankly I thought about it but didn’t want to complicate my life even more. He told me to take the week off and paid my wages (it wasn’t free money I worked for this).

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 24 of 27

Marven came home but as usual Moe wasn’t there. I was telling myself “you are not gonna kiss him any more, this needs to stop”. We chatted for a bit but kept thinking about not kissing him. Then, the inevitable, we started making out. This time things started to get hot and heavy. He asked if I was ok to have sex. I thought: you know what? Why not! I am a free woman; I can do whatever I want. In a way I wanted to stick it to Piercedtongue. Guess what PT? I had sex with your friend and so what! Plus I was attracted to Marven; it was a win win situation.

I asked if he had condoms, he didn’t. Told him that I was not going to do it without a condom. He rushed to the nearest pharmacy. While he was out, I was changing my mind…

He came back with a box of condoms, started kissing me and I was getting in the mood again. I double locked the door, just in case Moe came back. We were sucking face pretty intensely, everything was happening really fast, he took off his clothes and I took off my top. Marven asked me again if I wanted to do this, I told him I was very sure. He was very nervous; I could see that he couldn’t even open the box of condoms. When he finally opened the box, he was struggling to open the package. I was having such a hard time not laughing; to be able to see him so tense was extremely amusing. I took the package from his hands and opened it, putted on him and noticed that I accidentally ripped the condom. I could see the frustration in Marven’s face. He started to look for the box of condoms in a pile of clothes. He was running around naked like a chicken without a head, looking for another condom. I couldn’t contain myself, I started to laugh heartily. When he looked at me, I laughed even harder that he started laughing as well. When I was able to speak, I told him how funny he looked naked looking for condoms like if was a matter of life or death. He told me he laughed because I was topless wearing a skirt half way up my back and laughing like a hyena and we started laughing again. We laid in bed, he was still naked and I was topless. Both of us had huge smiles on our faces but none of us wanted to talk about it.

I finally found a job at a restaurant. It was owned by a Southeast Asian couple in their late 40’s. I was so desperate for a Job that I agreed on working a week without pay. In return, they promised to consider me for the job. After the week, I was hired to work the 2nd shift by myself. I would be getting paid $6 dollars an hour, after 3 months I could ask for another dollar. I was going to start working at 10am until 7pm and have an hour to clean and prepare everything for the next day. The problem was that even with help, I still managed to finish at 9:30pm. I told my boss that it was nearly impossible to finishing in one hour. He insisted that after a while, it would be easy for me to finish on time and said he couldn’t afford to pay me for anything after 8pm.

Like I said before I was desperate for a job, I needed to move ASAP from Moe’s house and save enough money to come back to the states.

My first week was awful. Every single day I finished work around 12:30am. I was so exhausted and walking home for 40 minutes at midnight was a bitch, plus I didn’t live in the best neighborhood.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 23 of 27

Moe brought 2 bottles of vodka. I drank a bit but he was wasted! He crashed right away and I kept talking to Marven. I got a bit sleepy but wasn’t drunk, closed my eyes for a bit and Marven thought I passed out. He got up to say good bye to Moe, he did not answer. Marven came to me and said:” Shania I am leaving” I did not answer. He sat next to me, asked me again, “I am leaving, hello!” I did not feel like answering, just wanted to sleep. I was waiting for him to open the door and leave but I didn’t hear any movement.

He walked back to my direction and touched my hand, began kissing my forehead, my eyes, and lips. I wasn’t sure if I should open my eyes or keep pretending that I am sleeping, I opted for the second choice. I wanted to kiss him back but I wasn’t sure if it would ruin the moment and how about if I kiss him and he gets all freaked out and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I was still faking it and enjoying every moment. He kissed my hand one more time, covered me with a blanket and said “good night sweetie”. I couldn’t believe what happened. I was even more confused than before. That night, I wasn’t able to sleep. I was reviving over and over this incident in my head.

Next time I saw Marven, I tried to act as natural as possible. I didn’t want him to know that I was pretending to be sleeping while he was kissing me. I had to control my emotions because every time I saw him, felt butterflies in my stomach. I noticed that Marven was going to Moe’s house more often than before. He would bring food, movies, booze, etc...

One night Marven came home but Moe wasn’t there. I invited him in, we talked for a bit and we kissed. I don’t remember exactly what was going on and who kissed who but we were kissing for a very long time. I wouldn’t consider this making out because there wasn’t much touching of our bodies. I told him that it was a mistake that I did not want to be in trouble with Moe because I was doing this at his house with his best friend’s friend. Marven agreed that it wasn’t appropriate and apologized.
A few days later, Moe received a call from Piercedtongue. Even though Moe was speaking Arabic I knew it was him.

He said: “Shania, He said he is not coming back and he couldn’t talk to you.

WTF! That’s it? I am not coming back and I can’t talk to you? Are you serious? Where the fuck is my apology? Where is my chance to tell him how I feel? Where the hell it’s Shania in all this? It was all reduced to a phone call…..

I said: “I knew he wasn’t coming back, I am not “that stupid”. He would’ve at least had the decency to talk to me.

Moe: “I am sorry Shania; he is a piece of shit of a man. I wish that he would never find a good woman”

I was somewhat surprised that he would be talking this way about his best friend.
I said: “I wish that too. I wish he suffers twice what I suffered and that he would never find love. I hope he dies lonely”

Moe told me that when they were living in the Middle East. They used to party together and Piercedtongue was such a womanizer. Sometimes their parties would last a week and in a weekend they could spend easily about $ 30,000 dollars. They could travel to any part of the world; their parents had the money to do all that. After a while, their parents asked them to help with their family business but they didn’t want to work so they asked to study abroad. They decided to come to the west to study but the partying was much more interesting than their studies. When their parents found out they were not studying, they stopped helping financially.

He told me that they couldn’t return home unless they show up with some kind of degree. Both of them were very irresponsible, but that piercedtongue was the worst. Never could keep a job, nor save money, or pay his bills. That basically I dodged a bullet by not marrying him.

He said “common let’s go out, we can have a good time. I just don’t want you to be crying all night over that douchebag”

I told him “I am not gonna cry for him anymore, he is not worth it. I am over him”
He told me how proud he was of me and kept insisting to go out. I told him that I was going to sleep cause tomorrow I need to start looking for a job again.

He left anyways cause he was such a party animal. The truth was that I did cry, not because I loved him (didn’t feel love towards him) but because he didn’t even bother to apologize to me. Not even a reason on why he left. What did I do wrong? Why did it take months for him to call? Did he find someone better? Was she prettier than I? Was I unlovable? I was full of questions but there were no answers for me.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 22 of 27

My womanhood shattered. I felt like my heart dropped to the floor and broke into a million pieces. What was there to show of me? Nothing, I lost it all. My self-esteem was finished; my dignity gone; my honor long gone; my self respect I had left it in California; I was defeated.

When everything had failed and I felt to just give up on everything…my pride lifted me up.

Mothefucker!! He had the nerve to introduce me to his lover? I was hurt. I wanted to slap her. Fucken cocksucker! He cheated on me with this skank.

I said, “You know Mina, you have balls. How many times you looked at me in the eye, yet knowing that you were having sex with him.”

Mina: “I told you I stopped right after I met you. I knew you were a good innocent girl and I confronted him. That’s why I told you not to love him and to just use this as an experience and enjoy the sex.

I said, “You know what the worst of this is? That I had feelings for him.”

But those feelings of love were gone. That’s it, it’s over! I hated Piercedtongue. I wished I would be able to see him once more so that I could at least spit on his face.

I started walking away from her and she kept on following me,

Mina: “I am sorry girl. It is totally understandable that you feel this way towards me, but you have to understand I did not know you. I am not trying to excuse my behavior as I know I was wrong, but don’t lay all the blame on me…”

I turned around and I really wanted to slap her

She rushed to hug me and said, “I am sorry, really. I feel terrible.”

I kept moving away and trying to remove her hands off my waist. She was holding tightly and I kept warning her that if she didn’t leave me alone, I was going to slap her. She responded by saying that if it made me feel better then do it. I didn’t hit her. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I didn’t have any more tears in my eyes. My tears were anger and frustration. I wanted to punch her in the face and to tell her what cheap fugly whore she was. But I didn’t because it wasn’t her, it was him and it was me.

We talked for a while and I sincerely accepted her apology. I wasn’t mad at her anymore. I was mad at myself for being such a huge loser and believing all his lies.

She gave me her business card and tried to give me money, but I did not take it. I was not about to take money from his fucken lover. We said our goodbyes and I was not planning on becoming friends with her, so I tossed her business card and decided to forget about her. Three days later I found $60 dollars in my purse. It was Mina’s money. Four months later I went to her job so that I could pay her the money. I was told that she moved to another province. I have never seen her again since that last time, but I wish her all the best and hope that one day someone returns the favor. At least she had the balls to come clean unlike Piercedtongue.

I went back home to find that Moe and Marven where there. I was glad not to be alone with Moe cause like I said before the situation was awkward. Sometimes I ran out of things to say to him. We were chilling and smoking. Moe left because he had a date with a girl. He said he was coming back in a couple hours. Marven and I were becoming really good friends… we were talking and joking, well he was doing most of the jokes, I was just listening. He told me, “You know Piercedtongue is such an idiot! I would kill for a girl like you. I would marry her in a heartbeat.”

I looked at him and said, “Well, I guess thanks.” (I am not going to lie, it did feel good. But I thought ok, he is saying this to make me feel good. Shania don’t think that he actually means it. He is just being polite).

Although I was saying all these things in my head, I saw Marven in a whole different light. I always thought he was really good looking but, fuck! Here I go with the damn looks. Don’t you know where fucken looks get you? You can’t possibly keep thinking like this Shania! Grow up! Don’t be a moron all your life!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 21 of 27

We woke up around noon time. Moe asked if it was ok if he threw a party. It was his house, what could I say? No? I said yes, but I didn’t really want to have a party. I was feeling kinda sick. I just wanted to be alone and sleep. I started cleaning the house while Moe went to get booze and snacks. Little by little people started arriving. It was a full house. There must have been about 15 people, most of them guys but there were about 3 girls. I tried to talk to them but they were totally not my type. One of the girls was talking about how many guys she had been with and how that made her “an independent woman." I was so tired of listening to her so I went to talk to Marven and a friend of his.

I was having a really good time with both of them. Marven’s friend left the party so it was just Marven and I who didn’t seem to get along with the rest of the people in there. Marven asked me if I wanted to go to the rooftop and I agreed so we went.

It was probably around midnight and it was cool and breezy. We didn’t see many stars, but the view of the entire city was expectacular...it was amazing. I saw the Canada that I never knew existed. There was a nice big couch waiting for us so we decided to sit and chat for a bit. We talked about life, about the future. He asked how was I doing staying at Moe's. (He didn’t know my whole situation because I didn’t want to tell him). After a while we decided to go back to the party before people started saying that we had ditched them. There were a few people left and Moe was wasted and sleeping in his bed. I decided to have a couple of shots but Marven asked me not to get smashed around this people and he said:

“I don’t know most of these fools. I don’t trust them.”

I listened to him and didn’t continue drinking. I was very tired and falling asleep in one of the couches, but the people were still drinking. Marven saw how tired I was and asked everybody to leave. He then said that he was going out to make sure that everybody took a cab home. I was too tired that I couldn't move from that same couch so I just lay there.

I didn’t notice when Marven came back, but I heard him call me a couple times. I didn’t answer because maybe this way he would leave sooner. He took a blanket and covered me, said goodnight and locked my door.

Moe was now staying home more often than he did before. Frankly, I was very uncomfortable. I was as feeling weird to be at his house. I didn’t want to be a burden for him, so I cleaned, cooked (whenever possible), did laundry, etc. Moe was very respectful, but I noticed that he had an issue with drugs…and not the soft drugs. He didn’t do any drugs while I was staying there, but I knew because a few times while doing his laundry I found a couple of pills of ecstasy and empty baggies in his pockets.

The weather was nice so I went for a walk to clear my head. Guess who I saw? Remember Mina? (The girl that Piercedtongue brought home so I could be friends with?) Yeah her!

Mina said, "Hello." She was really excited to see me (Too bad I wasn’t a bit excited to see her) and the usual crap that people tell you when they haven’t seen you for a while: “Oh you look great!” (In my head I was thinking “Too bad I can’t say the same thing about you”). "You look great too Mina." She smiled and laughed with that super annoying laugh of hers. She asked me how things were going with Piercedtongue so I asked, “Don’t tell me you don’t know?"

She replied, “Oh I am sorry did you guys break up?"

I told her it was more that he had abandoned me. I filled her in about what had happened.

She said, “You know I do like you. I thought you were a cool girl ever since I met you and I tried to give you advice, but you did not want to listen.”

I answered, "Well, I barely knew you; I did not know what were your intentions."

Mina: "Shania, I owe you an apology."

I said, "No, I guess I owe you an apology….I didn’t trust you because Piercedtongue said that you were jelous and that…….."

Mina: "Piercedtongue and I were fucking around while you were with him…..but this is all before I knew who you were. I swear, I stopped as soon as I met you…I told him how much of an asshole he was for doing this to you"

WTF! Another one of those moments - when someone wakes you up abruptly with a bucket of cold water in the face…..

I looked at her big dark eyes and couldn’t find the words that I wanted to use….

To be continued...