Monday, March 16, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 11 of 27

Christmas day came and it was a sad sad day, I loved Christmas but for him it was just another day. No presents no tree no Christmas carols no celebration no nothing. He noticed that I was feeling down and bought me an aqua lamp with glowing fishes and a box of chocolates I thought that was really sweet of him and after all he wasn’t a bad guy.

Valentine’s Day was approaching, I was very excited because I love holidays but again for him it was a normal day I explained that this was a very especial day for couples and we should do something. We went to eat dinner, it was a real sacrifice because we were both really short in funds and although I was working I was trying to catch up with the rent. We were at the restaurant, he gave me a gift it was a pair of Pajamas with hearts and I loved it, he said that Mina helped him pick them (I wasn’t too happy about that.)

I was working 14hrs a day, would come home and cook, and then stayed home by myself because he worked or went out with his friends. I was extremely unhappy and depressed. The bills kept piling up and he was smoking our rent money away (he was such a pot head)

Despite all this I was still making plans to get married. We needed two witnesses so we asked Marven and Loizo (Piercedtongue’s friends.) Marven told me to leave Piercedtongue and he would help me to get back to the U.S, I told him that it was impossible and this was my new home.

I thought about going back to the U.S (many times) but where would I go? My mom did not want me in her home, I guess I can ask my Best friend and she would probably say yes but she still lives with her parents… No fucken way, I was gonna suck it up and make the best of it.

We tried to get marry but he needed his divorce documents and his mother refused to send them to him.

Piercedtongue was working less and all his money was for weed. He would get up around noon, smoked weed, in the afternoon, smoked weed, at night more weed, and then leave with is friends.

Every time he left I felt dreadful, lonely and down in the dumps. I was very unhappy; I did not want to do this. I thought that maybe he is cheating and he is living a double life I would start to get a real uneasy feeling and become anxious, I would find peace in this verse:

Love is patient
Love is kind.
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily
Angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

My period was late and I was paranoid, I did not want to tell him until I was sure but I couldn’t afford a damn pregnancy test because we barely had money to eat, he noticed that there was something wrong and asked why it was late, I told him that I did not know and waited another week. Two weeks and no period, I was panicking I did not want to be pregnant. He said:

“You are pregnant, I know, you got to get rid of it”

I was enraged and asked him how the fuck you want me to do that, don’t you love me? Didn’t you want to marry me? He didn't respond and grabbed my face closer to his and said:

“Listen you get rid of it or I will”

I went inside the bathroom and started weeping, I did not want to have an aborting, what kind of monster I had become, this was a fucken nightmare. I refused to have an abortion, to me that was not an option.

To be continued..


AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Awwww Shania sweetie...if you say one more time that he wasn't a bad guy I will seriously kick your

BitterSweet said...

LOL (at the above comment), but yes I agree next time we will have to kick your butt if you say he is a nice guy (because honestly I want to hunt him down). I honestly don't know what I would of done if I had been through half of what you have been writing in your blog. I did face a similar situation (actually not one, but twice) that I thought I was pregnant. I knew the guy didn't really want that right then, he didn't feel ready. Somehow I had the strength to feel that I did not need him if he didn't want to stay around, but there was no way I would consider getting rid of "it". To me it was not an "it", to me it was my baby. I'm looking forward to more of your posts.

Shania said...

Alpha B: LOL you are hilarious. I am just saying how I felt at the time, I did not believe he was a bad guy.hmmm I guess this means I get an ass whopping?

Bittersweet: I know what you are saying and "sometimes" we have experience things like this so we can understand other people that are going through a similar situation.

vixen kitten said...

That is my favorite verse too. It always brings me comfort.

Oh, and I'm joining the ass whoopin party if you say he wasn't a bad guy again!

Good guys don't threaten women, don't shirk their financial responsibilities to sit around and get stoned. They don't make their wives/girlfriends work 14 hour days, and they man up when they create a new life in this world.

Good guys....real men do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done.

Just sayin...


Shania said...

Vixen Kitten: LOL I LOVE YOU! You are totally right I promise I wont say that phrase anymore ;)

Thank you girls for your comments

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

So ass whoppin' it is asked me the thing for "sisterhood" award, well... I nominated a ;)...why go with the flow ;)

Anonymous said...

Hello Shania,
Don't feel bad.
God Created Nest For Every Bird.
But You Have To Wait For The Right Time.

Shania said...

Screenivasu S: Thank you very much for your comment.

.beee. said...

I'm glad you refused despite his threats. Abortion is a terrible thing.

AlenaRosa said...

I see so much of myself in you and your experiences. What we are able to convince ourselves of and rationalize when we think we are in love is nothing short of mind blowing. You are right he wasn't a bad guy he was a motherfucking asshole.

Shania said...

I totally agree with you "we think we are in love is nothing short of mind blowing" yes very very true. "You are right he wasn't a bad guy he was a motherfucking asshole" LOL you couldn't have said it better.