Friday, March 20, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 14 of 27

It was starting to hit me that it was over, I couldn’t force someone to love me; I gotta have some dignity….. I was so sick of crying, I had this sense of despair, and hopelessness. It is over, it’s over I kept telling myself……. But some where deep inside my heart … I still believed…. when believing was not enough, I hoped…….when hope failed….. I dreamt… and in my dreams he was still there, just the way I saw him for the first time, smiling at me and happy to see me.

Note for my Best friend: Girl, I am so sorry that I kept many things from you, when I talked to you I didn’t tell you everything that was going on, I did not want to tell you…. I didn’t want to look weak and I did not want you to feel sorry for me. I was too proud to accept that my decisions placed me exactly where I was…

I did not want to shatter your “idea” of true love and happiness, you still believed in fairytales and I did not want to be the one that would kill your dreams… you believed in true love.. and I… did not know what I believed any more.

I love you girl and… I am sorry … but I couldn't tell you, besides I think you would not have answers for me… I am sorry but… I am supposed to be the strong the one that always had answers for your questions, I was the counselor remember? I was Shania the fearless, for some reason I adopted the role of being the one that had everything put together but I was nothing like it I was afraid of things I was sensitive, I was scared and full of question just like anybody else… I never let you saw my insecure side, the side that needed comfort, that was not who I was supposed to be.

I had to figure it out for myself and I couldn’t allow anybody to see me defeated, I couldn’t stand people feeling sorry for me. I could not reach out to anybody; my faith was the only thing that kept me standing… I gave advice to people but nobody was able to advice me… or maybe I did not want to listen because…. I thought I knew what the answer was I guess my stubbornness and pride kept me from reaching out.
What I am about to write are things that I have never told you and I hope you understand….. I am sorry

I was looking for a job and would list Sasha’s address and phone number and just checked with her every other day. It was extremely difficult to find a job because employers would ask for my social insurance (its social security for Americans) and I did not have one.
The food was running out and I was broke.
I was so depressed; I could not stop beating myself up for my stupidity for being such a moron and ruining my life this way. I was angrier at myself then at him… because I still wished that he would comeback (how pathetic.)

To be continued...


vixen kitten said...

I can't imagine being in this position. You are amazingly strong.


Christine said...

Strength to carry on, and failure don't mix.

So - you are not a failure.

William H. Balzac said...

I've given you a bit of recognition, Shania.

Keep smiling.
All the best.

Now, come see!
Favorite Blogger.

BitterSweet said...

I am glad you found strength in your faith as I believe this is what brought you through. You are strong and didn't give up, you kept fighting.

.beee. said...

I understand how you feel about always having to be the strong one. I'm the same way...and I always have been. But I hope you eventually found that advice that you needed =)

Faker said...

Loving the songs on the playlist!

btw its not that I am ignoring your posts I ind it fascinating and its really good, its just i want to know the whole story before I comment on it.

muchas love!

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Well unlike Faker, I have to comment on every post..LOL

I feel as if you are my baby sister (even though we may be the same age?!) so I have to show love on every post :)


Shania said...

Vixen Kitten: Well, I guess I was stronger than I thought.

Christine:I now know that I wasn't a failure but at the time I sure felt like it. BTW thanks for the nice comment you left on Williams blog ;)

William: Thank you so much for this honor, I can't believe that I have found so much support in this community(blogging) thanks Will,you are awesome :)

Bittersweet:thank you so much for the nice comment, I guess I was just trying to survive.

Bee: The advice was always there but I guess i just didn't want to listen but I am still here so I managed...

Faker: I am so glad that you liked my playlist! Don't worry about not commenting on these post, I havent been reading yours either LOL but it's because I have been kind of busy but I will you know I love your blog. Mucho love for you my amigo.

Alpha B: I so want to call you Alphy but I am reminded of that show from the late 80's (Alf)why? I have no idea.
thank you so much for the support my sister and yeah we are probably the same age :p

Thank you all for your comments!

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Lmao..ALF..I watched "back in the day" ;) ('s Andrea ;)

Shania said...

pretty name Andrea :) now don't become like me that I wanted to keep my anonymity but I have been giving so many details about my life that if you knew who I was and read this blog you will totally know who I am.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

what makes you think I don't?!
*danger music*