It was starting to hit me that it was over, I couldn’t force someone to love me; I gotta have some dignity….. I was so sick of crying, I had this sense of despair, and hopelessness. It is over, it’s over I kept telling myself……. But some where deep inside my heart … I still believed…. when believing was not enough, I hoped…….when hope failed….. I dreamt… and in my dreams he was still there, just the way I saw him for the first time, smiling at me and happy to see me.
Note for my Best friend: Girl, I am so sorry that I kept many things from you, when I talked to you I didn’t tell you everything that was going on, I did not want to tell you…. I didn’t want to look weak and I did not want you to feel sorry for me. I was too proud to accept that my decisions placed me exactly where I was…
I did not want to shatter your “idea” of true love and happiness, you still believed in fairytales and I did not want to be the one that would kill your dreams… you believed in true love.. and I… did not know what I believed any more.
I love you girl and… I am sorry … but I couldn't tell you, besides I think you would not have answers for me… I am sorry but… I am supposed to be the strong the one that always had answers for your questions, I was the counselor remember? I was Shania the fearless, for some reason I adopted the role of being the one that had everything put together but I was nothing like it I was afraid of things I was sensitive, I was scared and full of question just like anybody else… I never let you saw my insecure side, the side that needed comfort, that was not who I was supposed to be.
I had to figure it out for myself and I couldn’t allow anybody to see me defeated, I couldn’t stand people feeling sorry for me. I could not reach out to anybody; my faith was the only thing that kept me standing… I gave advice to people but nobody was able to advice me… or maybe I did not want to listen because…. I thought I knew what the answer was I guess my stubbornness and pride kept me from reaching out.
What I am about to write are things that I have never told you and I hope you understand….. I am sorry
I was looking for a job and would list Sasha’s address and phone number and just checked with her every other day. It was extremely difficult to find a job because employers would ask for my social insurance (its social security for Americans) and I did not have one.
The food was running out and I was broke.
I was so depressed; I could not stop beating myself up for my stupidity for being such a moron and ruining my life this way. I was angrier at myself then at him… because I still wished that he would comeback (how pathetic.)
To be continued...
11 comments:
I can't imagine being in this position. You are amazingly strong.
~vk~
Strength to carry on, and failure don't mix.
So - you are not a failure.
I've given you a bit of recognition, Shania.
Keep smiling.
All the best.
Now, come see!
Favorite Blogger.
:)
`x~William.
I am glad you found strength in your faith as I believe this is what brought you through. You are strong and courageous...you didn't give up, you kept fighting.
I understand how you feel about always having to be the strong one. I'm the same way...and I always have been. But I hope you eventually found that advice that you needed =)
Loving the songs on the playlist!
btw its not that I am ignoring your posts I ind it fascinating and its really good, its just i want to know the whole story before I comment on it.
muchas love!
Well unlike Faker, I have to comment on every post..LOL
I feel as if you are my baby sister (even though we may be the same age?!) so I have to show love on every post :)
*loooooooooove*
Vixen Kitten: Well, I guess I was stronger than I thought.
Christine:I now know that I wasn't a failure but at the time I sure felt like it. BTW thanks for the nice comment you left on Williams blog ;)
William: Thank you so much for this honor, I can't believe that I have found so much support in this community(blogging) thanks Will,you are awesome :)
Bittersweet:thank you so much for the nice comment, I guess I was just trying to survive.
Bee: The advice was always there but I guess i just didn't want to listen but I am still here so I managed...
Faker: I am so glad that you liked my playlist! Don't worry about not commenting on these post, I havent been reading yours either LOL but it's because I have been kind of busy but I will you know I love your blog. Mucho love for you my amigo.
Alpha B: I so want to call you Alphy but I am reminded of that show from the late 80's (Alf)why? I have no idea.
thank you so much for the support my sister and yeah we are probably the same age :p
Thank you all for your comments!
Lmao..ALF..I watched "back in the day" ;) (btw..it's Andrea ;)
pretty name Andrea :) now don't become like me that I wanted to keep my anonymity but I have been giving so many details about my life that if you knew who I was and read this blog you will totally know who I am.
what makes you think I don't?!
*danger music*
LOL
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