Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Color Of Water

Sometimes without conscious realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living holding on the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to renter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the places of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but he finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone on to a new and different life, and in thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists.
The color of water by James McBride
Chapter 24

Friday, May 22, 2009

Those Were The Days...

{One of my favorite poems. Check it out}

The days of my youth are over

The days of “everything will be alright” are gone

All I have are the memories of what happened during those years.

Those years full of happiness, bitterness and hopefulness.

The days were my friends were my world and there was no human power that could separate us.

The days were I felt the hottest and the ugliest.

The thinnest and the fattest.

The saddest and the happiest.

Everybody told me how beautiful I was… but I felt ugly. How wrong was I...

The days were I believe in the happily ever after

The days I believed I could change the world

The days I thought I would never die, I would never get old

All I have are bittersweet memories of the past, remembering those fun times…..

Those days that I can’t go back to and not sure if I want to do that

I wonder where you are Wendy

I wonder what you are doing Karla

I wonder if you are happy Jesus

Anthony, did you know how much I liked you?

Jose… why would you do that? That is not the person you once were..

Michaelon, would you remember me if you heard my name?

Although I miss those days I have no regrets.

Do I wish I could have done more? Yes

Do I wish I would have done it better? Yes

DO I wish I didn’t make mistakes? No

I am thankful that I wasn’t afraid to live…. I have so many stories to tell….

P.S Don’t forget to wear your sunscreen!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Graduation Day!

While looking for a book to read I found my yearbook. In an instant I was transported to that sunny day in June when graduation was going to take place. It must have been around noon when I was waiting outside the dean’s office.

It was no surprise that he wanted to see me. Finally it was my turn to go in. He said “I am doing all I can to see you graduate but to be honest with you I am not sure if that will be possible”.

I was hardly in school that senior year. I skipped so many classes, hated math class and I didn’t go at all. The only class that I loved and was always there was French. Although my teacher was a phony and an asshole, I loved French class and everything that had to do with France. I used to play with the idea that one day I would move to France and meet a handsome guy; we will marry and live happily ever after. French was the only subject in which I never had less than a B in all my tests and quizzes.

I came out of his office not knowing what to do. How will I be able to tell my mom that I’m not graduating? What am I going do if I can’t finish high school?
My friends were talking about the clothes they were going to wear underneath their gown and the way they’ll do their hair. But not me, I didn’t care about that. I was hoping for a miracle.

Everybody started going home but I didn’t want to go, home was the last place I wanted to be. I headed for my locker and I saw my 7th period teacher (an after school program were they help kids with their homework.) Mr. Dominguez asked if I was ready to walk the aisle in full cap and gown. If I was relived that all my hard work had paid off. I didn’t say anything, for one I didn’t want him to know about my problems and on the other hand I was the president of the Hispanic club (a 150 member club.)I was mortified if he found out what a bad example I was. Embarrassed to tell him that I was never in school because I partied a lot, I responded “yes I am ready” he said “what are you doing here, go home… you girls take so long ... You will need all the time you can get. He was smiling but I wasn’t. He then asked if everything was OK. I didn’t reply … I was asked to go to his classroom.

I explained what happened. He had no Idea that I was always skipping school. After a much deserved scolding, he asked If I had been to summer school and have done community service. I was always going to summer school. Not because I wanted to learn but because being at home was hell, it was better to be in school then to put up with the constant yelling and screaming at my mom’s house. In regards of the community service, I had tons of hours because being the president of a club meant that you have to volunteer so others can follow and then again, I rather do that then put up with my mom.

Mr. Dominguez called every place were I volunteered and asked them to send faxes stating that in deed I was there. He also called the dean and explained that every year I had been to summer school, took a 7th period class and had tons of community hours.
After much deliberation the dean said:” you are graduating, I want to see you at 4:30 today”. I was thrilled, I couldn’t believe it! I hugged Mr. Dominguez, thanked him for helping me out and rushed to get home.

When I arrived home, mom wasn’t there… While waiting for her, I started to get ready. It was 4pm and my mom finally arrived.

I said “mom are you coming to my graduation?”

For the longest time she kept asking when was I going to graduate? I didn’t give her a date because I wasn’t sure.

She said: “ok, tell me when you are going to graduate so I can ask for the day off”

I said: “I am goanna graduate in about 2 hour.


She was furious. I told her that if she didn’t want to go she could go to work, but for Hispanic parents (or most parents) missing your daughter/son graduation ceremony it is like missing their wedding day.

Standing in the stadium looking at the crowd, I could see my mom; she had this gigantic flower arrangement. It felt so good that she was there; I was hoping that she was proud of me. I changed my direction to the names on the floor, all in alphabetic order. So many empty spaces, many friends that didn’t make it to graduation day. Some of them in juvi (juvenile hall, jail for minors) others got pregnant, a handful had to drop out of high school to start working and help their families, a few got lost in the world of gangs, violence and drugs, and some simply didn’t have enough credits to finish high school. In a class of about 1000 students about 500 made it to that day. For many, high school is the beginning, for us was a long and enduring battle. We couldn’t believe that we were standing there, after much struggle we made it.

The stadium was filled with our hopes and dreams. Some wanted to be rappers or entertainers, others athletes, most of us if not all wanted to make our families proud, a few had dreams of going to college and many just wanted to get the hell out of that town and live life. We were ready to experience the world and eat it whole in one bite. We were naïve and immature, we were young.

After the ceremony some of my friends were throwing a party. We danced and drank, but mostly we talked. We started talking since 11pm until the next day around 9am. We were closer than ever, all of us were able to open up, talk about our wildest dreams and the way we were feeling about becoming adults. No one poked fun of anyone, we treated each other with respect as good brothers and sisters. We advised one another, we laughed, cried and laughed some more. We promised to be friends forever, to never forget about one another, to keep in touch and that no matter where we go, we will always remember where we came from.

I haven’t seen most of them since, and do not keep in touch with any of them, but I would never forget that night. There was no drama, and no judgment. That night, when all of us were there for each other, a true familia.

We felt like an army, some soldiers were not with us anymore, others were wounded but for the ones there, we were delighted to be together closer than ever. We couldn’t wait to start living.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

This is me right now

What is love?
Perhaps I am just not sure

What is happiness?
Maybe my idea of happiness is different from what I thought

What is contentment?
Could it be that I am just asking for too much.. Or expecting a lot from you

What is fairness?
What? I don’t think it exists… at least not in this world (I am not sure if fairness exist ... yet I would fight for it)

What is assertiveness?
It sure is something that I am missing right now

What is confusion?
Exactly what I am feeling right now


It feels as if I am evolving… and it’s painful, it’s frustrating, it’s confusing …..
I am evolving into what? I have no idea, all I have are questions and there are no answers..
Could it be a quarter life crisis? I have no idea …..

I need to find myself.. I can’t even recognize myself sometimes… it feel as if I am not me anymore. In the outside it looks like me but in the inside it doesn’t feel like me… but then again who was I before? How do I know that was the real me? I am still in the same place I started, one question after another one… the answers that I get formulate another question.. and another one and another… ultimately I end up being more confused than before.

Don’t get me wrong… I pretty much have the same philosophy and hold the same principles that I had since the beginning of this “confusion” but I am still confused about other things….

The worst part is that people still come to me for advice… I had to tell them to make their own decisions … that probably it's time for them to find the answers within themselves… something that I haven’t been able to do for myself.

What do I want?
I don’t know

What do I need?
Who knows?

Why do I feel this way?
I don’t know but I know I must remain positive and I am somewhat positive……
I must see it as an opportunity…. To re-evaluate myself, to find myself and to prepare for what might be coming… the one theory I can make out of this, is that “maybe” my mind is preparing for something… preparing for a change…. What kind of change?? I have no idea… will it be a positive change? I really hope so, I hate drama. But like I keep saying “everything happens for a reason” (I guess this should be my motto) There are no good or bad experiences… I believe it is just neutral; we make it bad or good depending on what we get out of it. In the end I think everything is what we make of it. Change is coming ….. I just hope I make a good thing off of it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Friends and Favorite's Award

A while back I received the friends and favorite’s award from my friend William H. Balzac [Author of “The wind shall hear my words] thanks Will. Please check out his blog Vice and Verses, a blog about poetry, music and so much more.
I would like to pass on this award to exceptional human beings whose blogs have taught and inspired me in more than one way. Some how I feel a close relationship with these individuals, a relationship that goes beyond the borders of race, creed, sexual preferences, socioeconomic issues and geographical location.

Alpha B. Push The Button Alpha And Induced Metamorphosis

Faker What If? and Fake Fiction


The “U” (Yes, I know you did not want an award but I couldn’t help myself …)

Alena Rosa


Vixen Kitten A Grateful Heart and Journey Of My Heart


Here are the rules:

“These blogs are exceedingly
charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Funny Videos

To those of you that have been kind enough to give me an award(thanks so much it is enormously appreciated). I am reading new blogs and catching up with others so that I can pass on these awards.

The following are some of my favorite videos from youtube. Enjoy and remember "it is just a joke".

Friday, May 1, 2009

Letter to my grandma

While working at the same coffee shop/restaurant that I mentioned on my last story, a petit red headed woman in her 40’s approached me. Asked for a coffee, proceeded to take a sit and began drinking her coffee. Closing time was approaching; I was trying to do as much possible so I could leave soon. She decided to start a conversation with me but I wasn’t very happy about that because that meant stopping what I was doing to start chatting with her.

She began telling me that she was a writer and was trying to find someone to publish her books but wasn’t having much luck. I didn’t know what to tell her. Obviously I felt bad that she was having a hard time publishing her books but I couldn’t do anything about it. I told her not to give up and to believe that when the time was right everything would fall into place.

{Ok, here I go with one of those incredible stories that I don’t have an explanation to and I am not even sure on what to believe. I am trying to recall as much as I can but somehow my fear prevented me from remember everything so I will only write what I remember.}

She said: “I have a message from your grandmother”

I smiled and said: “I am sorry I think you have the wrong person, my grandmother doesn’t live here”

She said “No, I am not confused it is you who I have to give the message to and I know that your grandmother doesn’t live here, she died about 4years ago”

I was terrified. I couldn’t find any logical way to explain how this woman knew about my grandmother. I have never mentioned anything about my grandmother to anyone. I didn’t (and still not sure) that the dead come back and leave messages to people. I let her talked but was very nervous because I couldn’t find an explanation.

She continued saying: “your grandmother wants you to tell your mother not to worry that everything its going to be ok (My mom was having some serious health problems). She wants you to go back to school as soon as possible and to finish what you started (I left the states without finishing college). That she is very proud of you. In regards of your current relationship don’t be afraid you will be really happy with him (yes, I was going out with Marven at the time). She wants everybody to know that she is in a good place; there is no need to worry about anything.

I was perplexed…. couldn’t think about anything. I was in a state of shock. Wished I would have asked questions but I didn’t. I was very surreal and my mind went blank. Before leaving she mentioned her name but I wasn’t really listening.

I am still not sure what to make of this. I don’t know if it this lady just happen to guess all this or that it was really my grandmother that gave her the message. Either way, if I could see my grandmother again… I would give her this letter.

Querida Abuelita (Dear Grandma):

The day you left, there was a huge void in my heart. I am sorry that I didn’t go to your funeral but I felt that it was point less because you were not there anymore. I am happy that when you were alive, we got to say our goodbyes and you told me how much you loved me. I always knew you did. After all do you remember that it was you who I would look for when my mom wanted to hit me? I knew you would defended me and you always believed in me. I pretended that I didn’t hear you when you secretly told me that I was your favorite granddaughter. Even if you would’ve never told me, your actions did.

I always admired you. You were such a strong woman but knew when to be soft if the situation required it. You didn’t even finish middle school and yet you were a wealth of knowledge. You knew exactly what to do if I was sick or was in trouble. You were never afraid to show your affection but would correct me if I was being a brat.

I would’ve wanted you to be around longer but your time was up. Abuelita I miss you so much. There has been times in my life when I have felt lost and had wished that I could ask you questions. You had all the answers (at least that’s how I felt). You always knew how to comfort me and make everything better. Between you and me, I got along way better with you then with mom (shhhh just don’t tell her, I know you can keep a secret).

How I wish you can still be here right now. I really want to hug you and be with you even if I couldn’t talk to you. Just to feel your warmth and know that I am safe.
Thank you so much for all those wonderful years that you gave me and the many sacrifices that you made in trying to protect me.

If I ever become a grandmother I wish that I could be half the woman you were. Dear grandma, I know you are gone but you left hundreds of fond memories tattooed in my mind and in my heart. Be sure that my offspring will know about you and you will come alive through recollections of the time we were together. Until we meet again abuelita…. I will be missing you.

Quien te ama y nunca te olvida,