Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 19 of 27

I went to the same coffee place and the girl at the counter asked if she could help me. I replied that I was waiting for someone and asked her to give me some time. I was waiting for a client to appear so she could get distracted or for her to go to the back. I could see the crackers on the counter next to the cutlery and the napkins; there were only 5 little packages. Finally a client! He ordered and I hurried on my way to the crackers. I grabbed the crackers when the girl asked again - so are u ready to order? Shit!!! I dropped the crackers. I was too embarrassed…so I moved to the counter and looked at the menu and said, “You know I am gonna call my friend and I will be back.” I left that place embarrassed and starved.

I didn’t know what to do. I was exhausted, sleepy, sad and hungry. I was walking and just thinking on what to do next when an old black lady approached me and said “Hi” and I answered her by saying “Hi” also. She looked a bit like a homeless. She smiled and talked about how spring was coming. I nodded in agreement, and the truth is that I was glad that I had someone to talk to. She asked me if I was of Serbian or Albanian descent, so I told her I was from Mexico. (I did not feel like explaining the whole Chicano thing [born in the U.S from Mexican parents]) She exclaimed, “I thought Mexicans were very short and dark!” Hmm... (I hate when people stereotype how a Mexican should look like). I told her that many Mexicans are short and dark, but we come in all colors and sizes. We chatted for a bit about mundane stuff. Yes, I was still talking to the bag lady. She said, “Well I have to go. Nice talking to you,” and handed me a $20 dollar bill.

I was like…Why are you giving me money?!?! I don’t want your money.
-She said, “Take it, its free.”

I was hesitant to take it because what if she wants me to do something for this money? I can’t possibly be free! I kept refusing, but she insisted.

-She said, “You need it.”

She grabbed my wrists and placed the money in my hand, closed it and said, “This is yours.”

I was perplexed!!! I couldn’t believe it… I couldn’t even say thanks as she walked away before I could say something.

I was still holding the money in my hand as tears were coming out of my eyes because I could not believe that a perfect stranger, that look like a homeless and looked like she needed the money more then I did, had a sensitive spirit to feel that in deed was in need….

I thanked God and stopped crying because I did not want people to look at me. I was so moved by the kindness of this person
I took the money and went to eat something; I was still shook up about the incident and very grateful.

To be continued...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 18 of 27

{I just want to tell everybody that I am so sorry but I can’t do the one post a day thing. I feel burnt out, for some reason I can’t write and these last two posts I feel like if I am not giving my 100%. Although my friend has been checking my entries before posting because I have serious problems with grammar, they still lack feeling and I am omitting so many details because I just can’t put them together in a coherent way. I also want to read other blogs that I’ve subscribed but have been neglecting due to working on my blog. So this is my last entry for this week. I will post 2 to 3 entries per week depending on how I am feeling. I am so sorry for disappointing many of you but I just need to take it slow and really enjoy my blogging experience and not feel like it is a job. Thank you for your understanding and despite my “freaking grammar” I still have your support}

I would think about Piercedtongue and how much I missed him. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t cry for him, he didn’t deserve my tears, but sometimes it was impossible to accomplish that. I was very angry and hurt. He didn’t even give me an explanation on why he decided to leave. I was in need of a closure; just a phone call to tell me that it was over and that I could move on because I was still hoping that he would come back, but he never called.

After almost 2 months Moe came back. I had no idea were he was and didn’t want to ask questions. We chatted for a bit, told him that I was embarrassed about staying at his house and that as soon as I got a job I would find my own place. He said not to worry and that he was glad that I was there because most of the time he wasn’t home and it was nice to come back to find that everything was organized.
He was getting ready to hit the club scene and asked me if I was up for it, but didn’t feel like going. I stayed home and had a pity party.

It was around 5 in the morning when I heard someone banging on the door. (I was hoping it wasn’t Midas or worse). I thought that by ignoring it the banging would stop, but it didn’t, therefore, I had to get up and open the door.
It was Moe. I was very upset that he woke me up, so asked him in a very sarcastic way if he forgot his key.

Moe responded: “No, I just can’t figure out how to open the door.”

I thought he was joking and being sarcastic as well. I decided to go back to bed thinking that he would do the same, but kept talking to me and wasn’t making much sense. I was not sure if he was drunk or just trying to be funny, but I was starting to be afraid of him.

He couldn’t keep still, was pacing and talking incoherently. I was terrified and asked if he was ok. He giggled and said that he felt great.
I was thinking on where to go at 5 a.m. Moe was fucken high and I was scared. I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed that he wouldn’t try to come in. I wanted to take a shower and leave, but I was scared that he would try to open the door, so I opted to just wash my face.

I could hear him talking to himself and moving his bed. I was scared to come out. I was trying to remember where I left my purse so I could quickly grab it and go out the door.

I opened the door without looking at him and took my purse trying to make my way out the door. He saw me and asked where I was going so I told him that I was going to get the newspaper.

It was dark outside but not too cold because spring was arriving and I was hoping that it wouldn’t rain. I could hear the cars passing by, but it was still a bit quiet.

Walking and thinking on where to go I decided to go to the park and sit on a bench. I began meditating on my life and talking to God. I wished I had never come to Canada and that I would’ve never have met Piercedtongue. I wished that I would’ve never broken up with Ruben (My boyfriend prior Piercedtongue). I was thinking that I should have different parents or at least a different mom. I wished I was never born. I was so sick of crying, but I couldn’t stop. Many people say that you will feel better after a good cry, well I had many good cries but it didn’t feel any better.

It was 9 a.m. and I was still seating in the same spot. What should I do? Should I visit Sasha? No, it is a weekend and she is with her husband. Should I call Antonio? Yeah right, I don’t have money; I have to walk for at least 3 hours, and wouldn’t have energy to get back…

11 a.m. - Still in the park, maybe I should go back to Moe’s place… Hmmm, no he is probably still high! No, forget it. Who knows what the hell he is on!?!

2 p.m. - Still in the park. I could see people jogging, riding their bikes and luckily it was getting a bit warmer.

I am hungry… Should I go back to that coffee place and steal crackers? Yeah, I am hungry and too proud to beg for money plus in these clothes people are not gonna give me shit…

To be continued...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 17 of 27

About 3 days later I was woken up by stomach cramps. I got up to go to the washroom and looked in the mirror, I saw a very ugly girl. I was very pale, had extremely puffy eyes and lips, my hair was dull from using hand soap. I looked disgusting. I spent pretty much the whole day in the bathtub because I didn’t have anything to use for my period. The cramps were so bad I didn’t want to move. (Later I got the brilliant idea to use Piercedtongue’s designer shirts in lieu of pads)

It was around 10 a.m. when a loud knock on the door woke me up. I quickly got up thinking that it might be Moe (He usually knocks before coming in). I ran to the bathroom to make sure that I didn’t have anything disgusting in there. I waited for a couple of minutes and then the knocking stopped so I went to check through the peephole and found an envelope with my name on it. I was scared to pick it up so I waited for about 10 minutes to open the envelope. In the envelope there was a 20 dollar bill and a note from Midas saying that he needed to talk to me and he we would be back in a couple of hours.

I was hungry so I checked to see how much food was left, which was just about 6 crackers and half jar of jam. I needed pads, shampoo, painkillers, lotion, etc. I was sick and tired of living this way. I could end this by just saying yes to Midas, after all it would be a one time thing.

I took a shower, groomed, and waited for him.

I was feeling icky. I can’t do this I have to get out because if he comes I know I would say yes.

I went out the door and started walking when I saw him. My heart dropped to my stomach when he walked towards me. I thought about running, but my body wouldn’t move. He asked me if I had made up my mind. I looked at him and thought: No I can’t have sex with this man. This is too disgusting.

I was having a war in my head; like a good angel/bad angel type of war.
He was pulling my wrist and telling me to go somewhere where we could talk.
I told him to leave me alone, otherwise, I was gonna start screaming and calling for the cops.

His voice became calmer as he got closer to me and almost in a whisper kind of voice he told me how much he liked me since he met me. He said he really wanted to help me and that he didn’t want a relationship because he got hurt many times just like me.

I didn’t buy it and I felt insulted that he thought I was that stupid. I screamed to the top of my lungs and said, “STOP FOLLOWING ME, LEAVE ME ALONE!” The few people that were on the street turned around to look at him. He told me that I was stupid and that I had lost an opportunity. In my mind I was thinking the same thing. I wanted to cry, but thought “fuck him,“ I’m not gonna cry, and I’m tired of crying and I don’t want to ruin my make-up so I am gonna spend his 20 dollars.

I was walking and heard a guy speaking Spanish on his cell phone. I had never heard anyone speak Spanish since I came to Canada so I stared at him and he looked at me and I turned away. He approached me to introduce himself. He had a hardcore Spanish accent and I couldn’t understand anything so I answered back in Spanish. We talked for a while. He said he was on his way to a Hispanic social club and invited me, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go. He kept insisting, stating that I needed to work on my Spanish (my Spanish is fine).

Antonio was nice, funny, and gay.

I was very excited because I wanted to meet people so I went to the social club. Everybody was really nice, but most of the time I would talk to Antonio. He was very funny and I was so glad I was able to forget about my problems for a bit. After a few visits Antonio and I became friends.
A club member invited us to his birthday party. I decided to go because I had nothing better to do; I was having a really good time dancing, talking, and drinking. I t was about 2 am and I was drunk. I knew I had to go home before I got worse.

Antonio walked me to the subway station but it was closed. He said that he didn’t live far from there so I could stay at his place if I wanted to. I thought that I could trust him because after all he was gay.

I don’t remember how I got to his place, I just recall that I was in his bed and he was kissing me. I pushed him away and don’t remember exactly what I said, but was basically trying to tell him that he was gay and that this couldn’t be possible. He said that he never told me he was gay and he thought I liked him. I wanted to leave, but he stopped me and said that I was too drunk to be on the street. I cried and told him my whole story and he apologized for making a move on me. He assured me that he wouldn’t take advantage of me and kept talking, but I was too drunk to care.

I woke up the next day thinking I should leave before he would have a chance to see me, but he was sitting in the living room. He said, “I am sorry about last night.” I told him that it was alright so he asked “Can we just forget about it and be friends?” I agreed and we moved on. He is still my friend until this day.

To be continued....

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 16 of 27

{I hope that you can understand this entry I was rushed to post it before people start complaining LOL j/k. I have a busy day tomorrow so I will post around midnight (eastern time U.S) If you are wondering if I am writing it as I go well yes and no, I wrote about 40 pages but are mainly things that I want to mention according to my perspective and the order of events that took place at the time, I know I should just do it all one shot but I feel overwhelmed by so much writing. I guess that I am writing as I go LOL.}

The next day Midas was at my door, I didn’t feel like going out with him, dinner was great but I didn’t want to talk to him. I wasn’t going to open the door but I was listening to music and he could totally hear that I was there. I opened the door and greeted him he asked if he could come in I said

“No, I told you it is not my place”

He said “ok, should I come back in about a 1hr and we could have dinner or watch a movie?

I decided to go, what I’m gonna stay home for? To cry about that fucker, naa I am going.

We went to eat but I didn’t want to go to the movies, I was feeling uncomfortable around him so I asked him to take me home. I arrived home; he offered to walk me in and said:

“I don’t want to beat around the bush I like you and I know that you don’t have a job so I want to make you a proposal, I can help you, I can talk to my brother he is in charge of a travel agency and probably he can hire you, I can help you get an apartment … you can save money and go back to the states

I said what do mean? (Can you actually believe that I said that? What do you mean? My goodness, I needed to wake up! If I continued with this kind of mentality everybody was gonna take advantage of me, it was a jungle out there, survival of the fittest....)

He said: I am not ready for a relationship…… I mean I am willing to pay you….it’s just sex….

I felt like I was taking a nap and rudely awoken by a bucket of cold water in the face. I couldn’t believe this guy, I was speechless…….

He said: I will give you $350 dollars….you can really use that money
I said “Midas you are a fucken asshole you know my situation and you fucken say shit like this you make me sick!! I would NEVER EVER fuck someone like you take your money and shove it

Midas smiled and that made me angrier he said “silly girl, everybody’s got a price….. Sleep on it; I will see you in a few days.

I said “fuck you! I don’t ever wanna see you again!” And I walked away…

What makes me upset till this day it’s that I was so naive for the longest time I was living in this bubble and went I actually stepped into the real world I wasn’t fit to deal with its complexity and evilness, everything was coming at me at once, I was discovering so many things about this world and I couldn’t keep up with it, one thing after another, piercedtongue bam, getting stiffed at my last job bam, Midas proposal bam… I was loosing my mind, I felt like if I was in this black hole and I was going deeper and deeper and I couldn’t get out.

I was crying and my self-esteem plunged through the floor, I was telling myself that I couldn’t even keep Piercedtongue that I wasn’t worth loving... I kept thinking that maybe I should just have sex with Midas and get all the help that I need because even if I gave myself for love like I did with piercedtongue I get fucked over…. I was so demoralized.

I didn’t have notion of time, I was sleeping for about 2 days straight. I didn’t take a shower, I didn’t brushed my teeth, I didn’t care I couldn’t go on, I could feel the tears coming down my cheeks but I couldn’t feel anything I was numb. I felt like if I was trapped in a dark room but I didn’t want to come out and the only thing I wanted to do was to sleep and never wake up.

To be continued...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 15 of 27

Many days passed and I couldn’t find a job. I had no food no money; I was embarrassed to ask Sasha for money or food. I was hoping for Moe to comeback so that he could buy some food (I know still embarrassing) Anyways,I wasn’t hungry I was too depressed to feel anything.

The next day I was feeling very weak but I had to look for a Job, I felt emotionally, mentally and physically drained all I wanted to do was to lay in bed all day. It was such a drag to put on a happy face but I had to because no one wants to hire someone that looks like crap. I delivered resumes at restaurants, coffee shops, bakeries and other places that I thought might hire under the table.

I had my last resume I went into a coffee shop, the smell of coffee and blueberry muffins reminded me that I was hungry, I recalled being at my mom’s house and the many times that I refused to eat because I was in one of my so called “diets” or my mom made a strange Mexican dish that I thought it was too weird to be edible, how I wished I could eat that. While I waited to be helped I had an Idea (I am sorry if I disappointing many of you but I want to be honest) I saw a bunch of crackers on the counter I took them put them in my purse took a plastic bag and headed for the bathroom, I took a lot of toilet paper and I use the plastic bag to steal hand soap (I didn’t have shampoo at home), luckily the dispenser was full. Obviously I didn’t leave my resume and I still feel embarrassed for stealing, I have never stolen anything in my life hmmm… except when I took paper clips and a white out from work…. Gosh that it’s pretty bad… well I don’t know what to say about that…

The crackers lasted for 2 days, the truth was that I wasn’t even hungry until I felt like passing out that’s when I would eat the crackers. I checked with Sasha to see if someone called in regards of a job but no news. Before leaving her house she gave me some chocolates, tea, a homemade jam and 5 dollar bill. I never told her that I did not have food but I guess she knew that if I didn’t have a job I didn’t have money for food. I was very grateful but at the same time I felt embarrassed and humiliated to be getting money I swallowed my pride and accepted the help. I told her that as soon as I got a job I would give her everything back, she reminded me that she was my friend, and thought of the time when she and her family were working in the Russian mines how they would have very little food and people would share whatever they had.

I went to the convenience store to see Midas but he wasn’t there I talked to another guy and he asked me out,(great, the last thing I needed was that) I told him “no thanks “( I wasn’t ready to start dating and he was really old and totally not my type) I grabbed a bag of bread and putted on the counter to pay for it, he told me not to worry that it wont cost me anything I told him that if he was doing this so that I could go out with him to forget it, I did not want it, He said “no, it’s on me, I won’t ask you for anything.” I was so glad because I did not want to spend those 5 dollars I thanked him and rushed to get out before he changed his mind.

The next day I managed to talk to an owner of a bar and he agreed on hiring me to assist the bartender (I knew nothing about bartending) I showed up at the bar around 10pm talked to the owner and he wanted to see some kind of I.D I showed him my American Passport, he said “I am sorry, I don’t want any trouble, no offense but Americans are bad news, I can’t hire you.”(Why? I have no Idea I was pissed off I didn’t even wanted to talk to him I had to walk home and it was freaking late)

A couple of weeks later………

Back to Sasha’s and to see Midas, he knew that I was not with Piercedtongue and asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner, frankly I thought yes! Dinner! I am going! I kinda felt that maybe he was hitting on me but I wasn’t sure so I did want to jump into conclusion, maybe it is just friendship. We had dinner we talked and I was glad I wasn’t home thinking about Piercedtongue. he said that he had a great time and hoped we could see each other again… he dropped me off asked if he could come in my apartment (Ok , than I knew what the wanted), I said “I can’t it’s not my place I cant let people in” (I didn’t want to have sex with him ewww no way).. he said “ok, maybe you can come to my place tomorrow…( fuck, I knew this dinner wasn’t free) I said “yes maybe” and maybe tomorrow I can do the same thing and have a free dinner. I felt like such a gold digger well more of a food digger.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 14 of 27

It was starting to hit me that it was over, I couldn’t force someone to love me; I gotta have some dignity….. I was so sick of crying, I had this sense of despair, and hopelessness. It is over, it’s over I kept telling myself……. But some where deep inside my heart … I still believed…. when believing was not enough, I hoped…….when hope failed….. I dreamt… and in my dreams he was still there, just the way I saw him for the first time, smiling at me and happy to see me.

Note for my Best friend: Girl, I am so sorry that I kept many things from you, when I talked to you I didn’t tell you everything that was going on, I did not want to tell you…. I didn’t want to look weak and I did not want you to feel sorry for me. I was too proud to accept that my decisions placed me exactly where I was…

I did not want to shatter your “idea” of true love and happiness, you still believed in fairytales and I did not want to be the one that would kill your dreams… you believed in true love.. and I… did not know what I believed any more.

I love you girl and… I am sorry … but I couldn't tell you, besides I think you would not have answers for me… I am sorry but… I am supposed to be the strong the one that always had answers for your questions, I was the counselor remember? I was Shania the fearless, for some reason I adopted the role of being the one that had everything put together but I was nothing like it I was afraid of things I was sensitive, I was scared and full of question just like anybody else… I never let you saw my insecure side, the side that needed comfort, that was not who I was supposed to be.

I had to figure it out for myself and I couldn’t allow anybody to see me defeated, I couldn’t stand people feeling sorry for me. I could not reach out to anybody; my faith was the only thing that kept me standing… I gave advice to people but nobody was able to advice me… or maybe I did not want to listen because…. I thought I knew what the answer was I guess my stubbornness and pride kept me from reaching out.
What I am about to write are things that I have never told you and I hope you understand….. I am sorry

I was looking for a job and would list Sasha’s address and phone number and just checked with her every other day. It was extremely difficult to find a job because employers would ask for my social insurance (its social security for Americans) and I did not have one.
The food was running out and I was broke.
I was so depressed; I could not stop beating myself up for my stupidity for being such a moron and ruining my life this way. I was angrier at myself then at him… because I still wished that he would comeback (how pathetic.)

To be continued...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 13 of 27

Sunday morning, I woke up and I saw Moe sleeping in his bed, I didn’t hear him coming home last night. I was already up trying to be quiet and not do anything that would wake him but I was getting bored. I took a quick shower and out the door I went. It was freaking cold, I had nothing to do outside no money, no direction, I just needed to kill time. Tomorrow I will go and ask Randy for my pay check; after all he owes me $1500 dollars.

It was Monday morning I was on my way to work, it was snowing and I had to walk about 40 minutes because I had no subway fare. I got there and was soaking wet, luckily I had my uniform inside the restaurant, I tried to open the door but was closed, I thought that maybe Randy slept in, I decided to go to the convenience store next door, they might know where Randy is.

{ Before I continue with the remaining parts of this story I know some of you are gonna think that I am full of shit and just making everything up, you can believe whatever you want . I know what happened, and someone else that I won’t reveal his/her identity knows my whole ordeal.}

I talked to Midas (the clerk) and asked him where Randy went. He said

“What, you didn’t know? Mothafucker! Fucken asshole!”

I was confused and said “what?”

Midas: “Last week he closed the restaurant he said we wasn’t making enough money and decided to cut his losses and leave”

I said “WHAT?! He owes me $ 1500 dollars

Midas: “call him right now!“

I called him and the phone was out of service, FUCK! I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, especially now, I didn’t have a penny in my pocket. I turned around so that Midas wouldn’t see my tears, tears of anger and desperation, how can there be this kind of inconsiderate individuals in the world, now that I needed that money more than ever.

I immediately called Sasha and found out that he owed her money as well and never told her about closing the restaurant; she said that she had the key to the restaurant and maybe we can take something and sell it

(Yeah, I know we were breaking the law but so did he and in our case where would we go to complain? my visitors permit in Canada was already expired and was basically an illegal and Sasha was a refugee wasn’t supposed to be working until her case cleared but we needed to work to survive.)

She got there in about 10 minutes we opened the door and the place was clean, just a couple of plastic chairs. There wasn’t anything we could do, we got duped. I was devastated and just started crying and told Sasha what had happened a couple of days before. She told me that she was going to talk to her husband to see if maybe I can stay with them but I did not want to bother her because they were newlyweds, I did not want to become the 5th wheel, I told her I was ok were I was.

I walked home and was so depressed; I did not care about the snow or about getting sick. What the fuck I was gonna do? Where am I standing in this relationship? Is he coming back?
(I know that everybody wants to kick my ass for saying this kind of things but this is what happened, I was having these thoughts) After all he is working right? Yes I will be ok, but I still need to talk to him. I called him and he did not answer, I left him a message to call me back….

The next day I called him again I left him another message this time I told him that I lost my job and Randy owed me 1,500 dollars and he vanished. I kept calling him leaving him messages to call me that it was urgent, message after message until I filled his voice mail.

3 days and still no response from him. I was incredibly sad and I did not know what to do next, I kept thinking ….. What did I get myself into? I am an idiot, I am a fucken dumbass, He is not coming back! Fuck, I need a job, the food is running out and I have not heard from Moe who knows when he is coming back and… I can’t ask him for money… I need a job

I went to see Midas at the convenience store, I asked if he knew someone that was hiring, (under the table) he said he was gonna check and to call him later.

I was heart broken, I could not think straight, some how I still hoped that he would come back, that he would see the mistake he made and we would get back together. Oh I missed him terribly, I would open the closet and sniffed his clothes, I wore his pajamas to bed and l felt him close to me. I felt like I could not eat, think or breathe, everything was hard … I couldn’t live with out him… That night I dreamt about him, that we were together, I would do anything to have him close to me, I could still feel his lips next to mine, I would close my eyes and still see him, only to opened them and see that there was no one next to me..

To be continued...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 12 of 27

I arrived home from work and there was an eviction notice on the door, that same night the landlord came and asked us to pay the remaining balance or leave. Obviously we did not have the money. Piercedtongue called his friend Mohammad to see if maybe we can stay with him for a few weeks until we find another place.

Moe’s apartment was a small studio, I told Piercedtongue “there is no privacy whatsoever how are we going to have sex? “ In a way I thought that it was a good idea if we stopped having sex, maybe I can get my thoughts together. He told me that he did not want to have sex until we were sure that I am not pregnant and if I was I knew what to do but until then no sex. I was very sadden by his answer but I was not willing to tell him that I was gonna have an abortion. I wished that I wasn’t pregnant I did not want to have a baby living in these conditions.

Moe was nice and very respectful, he was hardly at home and as usual Piercedtongue wasn’t working much, I was working less because the restaurant wasn’t doing well. Piercedtongue informed me that he found a job in another province; he assured me that he was going to make enough money to afford a place of our own and that he would be back in two weeks.

A week passed and he called me to find out if I got my period, I told him that I did and asked him when he was coming back, he said that in about a week.
It was 2 weeks already and he was still not back, I called him and he said that he needed to stay three more weeks so that we would have more money.

The situation at home with Moe was awkward, he was very polite but sleeping in a studio without some kind on division was like sleeping with a stranger in the same room, it was very embarrassing the good thing was that he would disappear on the weekends and did not come back until Tuesday or even Wednesday.

4 weeks have passed and have not heard from Piercedtongue, I decided to call him, he told me he was busy working and that I should not call him, that he would be back next Saturday and I could talk all I want.

Finally Saturday arrived, I was thrilled to know that I was going to see him; the truth was that I missed him very much. I woke up early that morning, cleaned the house, did laundry, was thinking on making dinner but there wasn’t much food and did not have enough money to buy groceries. I took a shower shaved my legs and everything else, exfoliate my skin, gave myself a pedicure and manicure, I wanted to look perfect.

It was 10pm and I heard a knock on the door my heart started pounding, I gave myself a quick look in the mirror and then opened the door….. hmmmm, it was Moe and Marven , “grhhhh” I smiled but was not happy to see them, I was tremendously disappointed because I wanted to be alone with Piercedtongue. Moe said

“I heard Piercedtongue is coming today is he here yet?”

I said “no, not yet.”

Midnight and still no sign of Piercedtongue, I was getting worried, how about if something happened to him, if the plain crashed? Or he doesn’t want to come back anymore because he has another woman? Moe said that he probably missed the flight. I called him but I kept getting his voice mail. I wanted to cry but I was embarrassed to cry in front of Moe, he saw how distressed I was so he called him. Piercedtongue answered ,they spoke in Arabic for about three minutes, I kept asking Moe to let me talk to him but he was signaling to wait. Moe hang up looked at me and said,

“He is ok, don’t worry about him,”

I said “why didn’t you give me the phone?”

Moe said “he is not coming, not tonight,”

I “did he say when?”

Moe ” I don’t know , he did not say”

I was furious and I called him back, he didn’t answer, I kept trying and trying until he finally answered and said

“I can’t talk to you right now”

I said “what the fuck is goin on? why are you not here? When are you coming?”

He“listen I can’t talk, I am working”


He “ I DON’T KNOW, I will let you know, bye” click he hung up.

Marven was telling me not to worry that everything would be ok, he excused himself and went home. Moe asked me if I wanted to go to the club but I did not feel like going clubbin. I had a feeling that Moe knew more then he wanted to say, I was so sad and angry at the same time, so miserable, this fucken guy, why is he doing this? Is this a cultural thing? Is he cheating on me? Am I over reacting? I was looking for something to drink, I want something strong, and I wanted to drown my sorrows. I looked around and there was nothing, not a single drop of alcohol in this fucken house!

To be continued...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sisterhood Award

Wow, I am so excited; I cannot believe it…… I am very thankful and honored that you Alpha B considered me for this award. Looking at your blogs which are great beyond words I can’t help to feel humble in receiving such honor and surely it is a motivation for myself, to keep myself honest, to be a sister to others, and to keep learning.

I would also like to thank all my followers, the people that take the time to leave me messages(they are greatly appreciated) to everybody that reads my blog, and last but not least to God that made me the person that I am today.

OMG, I feel like I won an Oscar LOL.. Once again thanks Alpha B. I want to invite everyone to check out her blogs InducedMetamorphosis and Pushbutton Alpha they are great blogs and I am not just saying this because she gave me an award but see for yourself they are truly great pieces of art that come from the heart, mind and hard work of such a lovely person. Yes, I know I sound like a total ass kisser.

It was a tough decision I literally spent 2 days trying to figure out who I was going to pass this award to there are other people that I wanted to choose but I can only pick 5 so here are the winners:

Blake Blake’s double life I loved your blog since the beginning; the excitement in which you tell your anecdotes was totally Blake LOL. I enjoyed it very much and oh I laughed so hard

Roxane It really is, all about me Although you are Blake’s sister that is not the reason I picked you, I thought you’re blog was just as fun and I loved your sense of humor.

AlanaRosa The Marriage of perception and reality I am impressed by your ability to be honest with yourself and be vulnerable enough to put yourself out there for everybody to see and still show your face. I liked the fact that you are not apologetic for who you are.

Even though you only have two entries, I see great potential in you. I give you props for trying to keep yourself real. I am looking forward for your next entry.

Full speed ahead
I know you just started your blog but you have already inspired me to take charge of my life, to put myself first and to “just do it” I wish you all the best in these 100 days

We live in this world together and none of us can make it on our own, we need our brothers and sisters that we meet along the way to help us carry on.

This is how it works:

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 5 blogs which show great ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE.

3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.

5. Share the love and link this post to the person from whom you received your award.

Now DO go read these wonderful blogs which have heart and soul!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 11 of 27

Christmas day came and it was a sad sad day, I loved Christmas but for him it was just another day. No presents no tree no Christmas carols no celebration no nothing. He noticed that I was feeling down and bought me an aqua lamp with glowing fishes and a box of chocolates I thought that was really sweet of him and after all he wasn’t a bad guy.

Valentine’s Day was approaching, I was very excited because I love holidays but again for him it was a normal day I explained that this was a very especial day for couples and we should do something. We went to eat dinner, it was a real sacrifice because we were both really short in funds and although I was working I was trying to catch up with the rent. We were at the restaurant, he gave me a gift it was a pair of Pajamas with hearts and I loved it, he said that Mina helped him pick them (I wasn’t too happy about that.)

I was working 14hrs a day, would come home and cook, and then stayed home by myself because he worked or went out with his friends. I was extremely unhappy and depressed. The bills kept piling up and he was smoking our rent money away (he was such a pot head)

Despite all this I was still making plans to get married. We needed two witnesses so we asked Marven and Loizo (Piercedtongue’s friends.) Marven told me to leave Piercedtongue and he would help me to get back to the U.S, I told him that it was impossible and this was my new home.

I thought about going back to the U.S (many times) but where would I go? My mom did not want me in her home, I guess I can ask my Best friend and she would probably say yes but she still lives with her parents… No fucken way, I was gonna suck it up and make the best of it.

We tried to get marry but he needed his divorce documents and his mother refused to send them to him.

Piercedtongue was working less and all his money was for weed. He would get up around noon, smoked weed, in the afternoon, smoked weed, at night more weed, and then leave with is friends.

Every time he left I felt dreadful, lonely and down in the dumps. I was very unhappy; I did not want to do this. I thought that maybe he is cheating and he is living a double life I would start to get a real uneasy feeling and become anxious, I would find peace in this verse:

Love is patient
Love is kind.
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily
Angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

My period was late and I was paranoid, I did not want to tell him until I was sure but I couldn’t afford a damn pregnancy test because we barely had money to eat, he noticed that there was something wrong and asked why it was late, I told him that I did not know and waited another week. Two weeks and no period, I was panicking I did not want to be pregnant. He said:

“You are pregnant, I know, you got to get rid of it”

I was enraged and asked him how the fuck you want me to do that, don’t you love me? Didn’t you want to marry me? He didn't respond and grabbed my face closer to his and said:

“Listen you get rid of it or I will”

I went inside the bathroom and started weeping, I did not want to have an aborting, what kind of monster I had become, this was a fucken nightmare. I refused to have an abortion, to me that was not an option.

To be continued..

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 10 of 27

It was Saturday afternoon and a new friend of Piercedtongue came home. We had a get together bought some booze play cards, and listened to music. We were joking, playing and talking about all source of things, I was having a really good time and happy to be socializing.

Piercedtongue excused himself and said he was going to get ready to go out with Suleman (his new friend), I asked where they were going and he replied “we are having a guys night out, don’t worry about it”.
This situation was killing me, why can’t I go I asked? He answered “I told you, you have to be the woman of the house, and you can’t be associating yourself with the whores, remember we are going to get marry but I need you to be only mine.”

I nodded in agreement but I was dying inside. He walked away to take a shower and I was left with Suleman.
Suleman was trying to start a conversation but I was not interested, I did not give a damn to whatever he had to say, he can go to hell for all I cared.

I grabbed a bottle of tequila and started drinking, I’ve drank before when I was in high school but never gotten drunk, I was feeling a burn in my throat but kept drinking as if it was water.

I started to feel happy, joyful, and everything seemed easy, it felt like if I was floating.
I was still conscious of my surroundings and I knew what was going on. I remembered Suleman started moving closer to me and began feeling me up, I kept moving his hands off my breast , he was covering my mouth, piercedtongue was still taking a shower and had no idea that his fucken “wife to be, lady of the house” was getting fondled by his friend.

I was scared that Piercedtongue would walk in any moment and hit me or something like that. I did not care for Suleman but if piercedtongue wasn’t there I would probably fuck his friend, it was my way to stick it to the man.

He came out the shower and was furious when he saw me drunk, (he did not see Suleman touching me at that moment he was trying to take the bottle of my hands)Piercedtongue was yelling at Suleman in Arabic and I could see Suleman pointing at me and the bottle. I was laughing my head off and simulating to speak Arabic. I got up and tried to kiss piercedtongue but he pushed me away, I thought it was even funnier and was laughing hysterically.
He left with Suleman, I started bawling and felt weak and sleepy.

The next morning, I woke up lying on the floor in my own vomit. I was surprised that I did not have a hangover but I still felt terrible and I was miserable because I was putting up with his shit.

Piercedtongue finally came home,he talked to me and said that if I wanted to be with him things needed to change,that I embarrassed him in front of Suleman, that he asked Piercedtongue why he wasn’t able to control his woman (if he only knew, I did not say anything because I did not want to cause more problems)from now on, I was only allowed to go out with Mina, not Sasha because she was a bad influence. That he would take me to work and pick me up, I must cook and clean when I get home and should seriously start thinking about wearing a hijab (the scarf that Arabic women wear.) I could not believe what he was saying. I was very distressed and told him that we had this discussion before and came to an agreement.

He said it was different, I was getting out of control, I was disrespecting him in front of people and that if I was in his country he would’ve already punished me for my behavior(I still have no idea what “punishment” meant.) I was dumbfounded, I told him that I did not agree, he could go and fuck himself, I was not going to do it.

He said ok, there is the door, get the fuck out of my house and don’t ever comeback forget that I even exist. I started grabbing some of my stuff and not knowing where I was gonna go, it was bitterly cold outside (Canadian winter cold) and I could die sleeping on the street. I was about to walk out the door with the few things that I took when he stopped me and said that I was insane, he loved me and wanted to make me happy but I had to know where my place was, I am the woman and he is the man.(Any other sane person would run for the hills but not me, I stood by “my man”)

And again, we had sex,sex.sex. I was tormented, I couldn’t let him go, I loved him, I am out of my mind if I am planning on leaving him, just obey him, he is not a bad person, he is trying to start a family and you are such a bitch, it’s all your fault Shania, you make him angry, you are a horrible person for treating him this way, you will never find love again, just stay and make him happy he is a nice guy.

I was willing to endure everything just to have his love.

To be continued...

Friday, March 13, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 9 of 27

At work, Randy was a real prick .I was opening the coffee shop at 7am and finished at 10pm; sometimes he won’t give me a break or lunch and would be fuming if I asked for it.

He finally hired someone new; she was an uber good looking blonde, runway model type of girl from Russia. Sasha did not speak English well and it was making everything extremely difficult for me because besides doing all this extra work, I always had to keep an eye on her,she would mess up the orders and I had to fix everything. I felt for Sasha because she was a really nice girl and I could tell that she was really trying. Randy kept asking me if Sasha was competent, I said yes because I wanted to give her a chance. He stated that the reason he hired her was because her good looks would bring a large number of clients.

I offered to help her learn the names of the condiments such as ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise because she did not even know that. I made her sheet cheats and helped her to learn the value of the currency. She was really appreciative and we became good friends. It was certainly a blessing having her in that place, we were making a good deal on tips, all the guys were generous when she was around (this time we did not share tips with dickface. Yes, it was my idea.) Now that I think about it, Randy did have a nose shaped like a dick, appropriate name for him)

That night I went home extremely exhausted.Marven and Loizo were at home, they asked Piercedtongue if he was up for a party, he said yes and I started getting ready. I was ready to go and Piercedtongue ask me where was I going,

I said: “Duh.. I am going to the party with you guys”

He said:” parties are for whores, you are not going anywhere, I will be right back and you stay here”

Although we were having this conversation in the bathroom they heard everything.

Marven and Loizo were astonished, (I saw their faces of disbelief when I came out)

Marven apologized and said: “I am sorry I shouldn’t have said anything”
I said that it was OK, I was tired anyway.

I was mortified and wanted to slap Piercedtongue but I did not want to make a scene in front of his friends. I kept my mouth shut and just stayed there. I was so infuriated, hurt and offended. I kept going through the scenario and thinking of things that I should have said. Instead I stood there like a moron.

He left a box of cigarettes, started smoking and, finished a damn pack of cigarettes. I was left with a major headache and the fucker was still not home. He came home around 5am. I had no sleep and in 2 hours I had to be at work. I was enraged, confronted him and told him that he was a damn asshole. He told me that this was for my own good because he did not want to marry a whore. (Again, I stood there like a dumbass.)

The next day there was a knock on the door,it was the superintendent saying that we were 4months behind on the rent and that he needed to get something. I had just gotten paid two days before and I gave him all my money which only covered one months rent.

I confronted Piercedtongue and got into a huge argument. I told him that he was a real irresponsible person. I was so angry and there was no response from him, like if I was talking to a wall. It made me even angrier and was trying to say things that would hurt him…. so I told him that he was not a man… that he was a fag (this has nothing to do with homosexuality, please do not take it out of context. I am just trying to say how things actually went) He raised his hand at me and I stared at him showing him no fear but inside of me I was frightened. I told him: “you touch my American ass and you would be in serious trouble” (Of course being American has nothing to do with getting him in trouble but I was just trying to scare him, and it worked.) He stormed out the door and did not come home that night.

I was crying and not knowing what to do, I couldn’t talk to anybody. I did not want to call Mina or bother Sasha with my problems. (Sorry BF, I did not want to call you because I knew what you would’ve said)

He came back the next day. I apologized, he apologized as well and we had makeup sex. I was in a trance, I thought of letting him go and just come back to The States but I kept telling myself that I loved him, that I could not live without him.

I would hug him all night and just be thrilled with the idea that I had him in my life, there was something about the stubble on his face that would make me melt. I could not let him go, he is too beautiful, he is mine. I rather die than to see myself with out him.

To be continued..

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 8 of 27

My birthday came and we had no money to go out. He was working part time and I did not have a job. He did not have money to buy me a gift so he decided to give me one of his rings (I thought it was really sweet of him because he had a sentimental attachment to the ring.)

The days where going by very slow, I was getting bored, I had no one to talk to and the bills kept piling up.

I asked why he had name brand clothing and shoes and he was not able to keep up with the rent. He told me that his family had money and that his parents were supporting him but stopped when they found out that he was not going to school (like he promised.)
He showed me pictures of his family, parties that they used to attend, he was in Arab attire and his family looked very distinguished.

He told me about his past, his many girlfriends and about his marriage. He married because of the pressure his family was putting him on to take over the family company. He was only married for a month.

He was giving me the impression that he was such a party animal, spoiled and very irresponsible. My head was telling me that he was no good but my body still wanted him and my heart.. was confused.

I decided to look for a job and found one at a coffee shop/restaurant. It was a fairly new business probably about a month old, the owner was a young Palestinian-Russian guy, his name was Randy, he seemed kind of a dick but I was desperate to get a job so I took it.

I was the only employee and I used to work nights it was a dreadfully hard work because I was the dishwasher, waitress, cook, cashier, cleaning crew, etc.. I was getting paid $7 dollars per hour and I had to share tips with Randy. He was such an asshole at times but I had to tolerate all this because I was an illegal in Canada and it would be very hard to find a job.

My relationship with Piercedtongue started deteriorating, I was working all day and night, he was working the grave yard shift, and we could only see each other during the weekends. I complained to Piercedtongue that I had no friends and I was lonely.

The next day he brought home a coworker named Mina and asked me to be friends with her. Mina was a loud, obnoxious, don’t know when to shut up Iraqi girl. They spoke Arabic in front of me; it used to pissed me off and would yell ENGLISH!! IN THIS HOUSE WE SPEAK ENGLISH!! (Now I understand why non Spanish speakers get mad when Hispanics speak Spanish in front of them, totally rude)

I agreed on hanging out with Mina because I did not know anyone else and I was so lonely. We had nothing in common; Mina was rowdy, vulgar, flashy and had nothing intelligent to say.

After talking to her for sometime, she asked me what were my thoughts about Piercedtongue, if I was happy and if I had plans to be with him in the future. I told her that I was happy and that we were going to get married soon. She said “If I were you I would not marry this guy, you should not take him seriously, just enjoy the sex.”(even she was smart enough to know that)
I remembered that a few days before, Piercedtongue told me that Mina was jealous of me and I should not believe anything she says because jealous Arabic women are mean and liars.
I remembered this and told Mina that we were in love and that she should mind her own business. She told me that it was my right to feel that way but she was just trying to help me.

To be continued...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 7 of 27

The morning after, he woke up before I did. I opened my eyes and wondered where I was, I realized that it was not a dream but in fact this was my reality. My eyes were searching for him but could not find him anywhere. I rushed to the bathroom, the door was left ajar, he was standing shirtless in front of a mirror brushing his teeth, and before I had a chance to hide (because I just woke up, I did not know how I looked) he smiled and asked me how was I feeling, I told him that I was very embarrassed with what happened last night, he said that it was normal, it happens the first time, trust me you will like it.

He asked me if I wanted to go the store to buy some groceries, I accepted and started to get ready. I had no winter clothes except for some scarves and gloves that I bought prior coming to Canada. He helped me to put on my scarf, kissed me and offered to lend me one of his jackets, I putted it on and I looked ridiculous, so I opted for one of my jackets and dealt with the cold.

We came back, made lunch cuddled and watch movies (tapes) because he had no cable. It was probably 6pm when we heard a knock on the door, it was two of his friends Marven and Loizo he introduced me as his wife to be (I thought it was totally cute.)
We talked for a while and I completely liked Marven; besides being exceptionally good looking he was very polite and nice. Loizo was hideous (inside and out) arrogant and idiotic, I loathed him right away.

After they left, Piercedtongue and I started making out, he asked me if I wanted to have sex I told him no, that it was too painful. We kept kissing, touching, stroking; for a second time he asked me, I said no maybe tomorrow. I wanted to have sex but I was too frightened. We kept kissing this time we were basically dry humping, yet again he continued asking, and I finally gave in. We had sex, it was a still painful and I even bleed a bit but it was nothing like before.

The next morning I woke up before him, took a shower, putted make up on and tried to look my best. I made breakfast (no bacon cause he was Muslim) toasts and eggs :( We ate and had sex all day,all kinds of sex, it was not painful at all, I was really enjoying it, I was learning new stuffs that I only saw in porn. I was having a good time; I felt this closeness that I’ve never felt before. I was feeling sexy, and beautiful.

The thought of knowing that I could provoke a man with just looking at him or showing him my body, to have the ability to arouse him whenever I felt like, I discover a power that I did not know I had . I felt like a “woman”.

I called my best friend and told her how happy I was. I can’t remember what she said; I was high in love, lust and the novelty of sexual pleasure.
To be continued..

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 6 of 27

{I am sorry to notify you that I will be away for a few days and therefore I won’t be able to post another entry for a couple of days. I hope you are able to understand this post because its almost 4am and don't know what the hell I am saying and not making much sense, not that it matters because I have gone back to read my entries and find mistakes like "exited" more then once and been too lazy to correct it (I know it's "excited") I apologized for that. Anyways I will be back and thanks for your understanding}

We went back to the apartment and it was the same disgusting smell. I could not open the windows because it was bitterly cold outside, I sprayed some of my Christian Dior “J’adore” in the room and it was more breathable. I figure that in a few weeks, I will have this place smelling like flowers.

He said that if I mind if he smoked by the window. I thought

totally defeated the purpose, I just wasted my beloved Christian Dior

I did not care, I loved him. He finished smoking and I was sitting on the bed listening to music when he grabbed me and started kissing me and whispered: “we were waiting for this moment for far too long”

He began to take off my blouse slowly, my skirt, and removing my black stockings, I was enjoying the kisses but I was embarrassed.
I was left with a red silk brassier and laced panties, he saw me and said,

“I love red”

but did not care about looking at the details of my underwear, so much for spending hours picking the right set of undergarments, he did not even noticed the cute laced panties that I spent a fortune on. He took off my panties and I could hear him breathing heavily.

A pause to explain: I just want to say that, yes to the surprise of many of you, I was in my early 20’s and a virgin. Not that I did not have boyfriends before, real life and flesh boyfriends. I did, I had many, I had flings I made out with a couple of strangers in parties, I was kind of a cock tease (this is all before I started to go seriously to church ok? BFF you know who you are). The opportunity to have sex with a boy was all throughout Jr high and high school, every boyfriend, every fling the same thing always looking for sex. I liked them, I wanted to be with them but I was not interested in having sex with any of them. I did not think any of them were special, I wanted my day to be special, I guess was waiting for my prince charming.

I was sitting at the edge of the bed and he kept kissing me and groping me, he pushed me to the middle of the bed and got on top of me, I did not feel when he took off his clothes but all he had on was a pair of black Calvin Klein’s.

He got up, took them off and I saw his dick, I was so embarrassed, it was awkward, feeling very uncomfortable and not know what to do next.

I was about to sit up but he pushed me again and got on top of me, it was so hard to breath because of his weight, I felt like he was crushing me. I was not ready yet, I was not excited yet, but he was.

He opened my legs violently and went in abruptly. I felt like he was literally ripping me apart, I was in excruciating pain, he was so rough, it was so painful I couldn’t take it anymore.

I was yelling hysterically STOP,STOP! But he kept going. I was panicking and trying to push him off, crying and yelling and there was no response, I began slapping him uncontrollably, screaming to the top of my lungs.

He stopped, I pushed him off and he looked at me like if I was crazy. I got up quickly and I could feel hot blood coming out of my vagina, I was bleeding profusely.
I picked up my skirt and began wiping my legs and tried to cover myself. I ran to the bathroom screaming and weeping while leaving a trial of blood.

I was shaking, in a lot of pain (mostly a terrible pain in my stomach) and still bleeding. I started to shower crying and thinking and feeling awful. It was nothing especial like I thought it would be, what the hell have I done? I was such an Idiot this was horrendous, and my friends never told me that there was so much blood.
I was sitting in the shower letting the water run over me, just crying my heart out, feeling empty, miserable, filthy and like a whore.

He kept knocking on the door and I kept telling him to go away, I did not want to see him. After an hour he came inside the bathroom, apologized and asked me to come to bed.
I laid in a bed with no blankets because they were all soiled with my blood. He went to sleep right away and I was just thinking and wanting to go back but it was too late, I was already there.

To be continued...

Friday, March 6, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 5 of 27

I was so nervous, I did not want to meet him anymore, I did not wish to see him, and I wanted to go back. It was too late because he recognized me from the crowd and said hello, smiled and showed me his perfect teeth.

He was wearing a vintage brown leather jacket, black shirt and dark blue jeans, he was taller than I had expected, had an athletic built and was even hotter in person then in the pictures. I nearly passed out due to his hotness.

I was wearing a black fitted long jacket, black long sleeve blouse, dark blue pencil skirt, black stockings and pumps.

He was so pleasing to the eye; he gave me a quick little peck on the lips and asked me how the flight went. I joked and told him:

-- Well, I was scared that I was going to see some old fat man and I won’t be able to go back to California.

It was a dream, I was going to be happy, he is handsome, he loves me, we love each other; we will have really good looking kids. I went to exchange my currency and got $450 Canadian dollars.

We took a cab home, once inside we could not stop looking at each other. It was frigid cold and I was wearing a coat meant for Californian weather not for arctic conditions, I was freezing.

I got to his place; it was an apartment building like the ones I’ve seen in the movies of New York City. NOT the Manhattan lofts like the ones in sex in the city, but more like a CSR crime investigation scene just a bit cleaner.

We opened the door and the odor of old tobacco was so potent, it smelled like if a dirty old man lived there, (no offense to anybody that is older but that’s just how my mind associated it) I started gagging and grasping for air, he asked me if I was OK, I said

--yeah I am just a little queasy from the flight.

I did not want to tell him that his place smelled like shit.

It was a tiny studio with an old small stove ,mini refrigerator, twin bed, an ancient TV and VCR, an old dusty sofa and a itsy bitsy tiny winny coffee table that look like a stool. I was shocked; I have never seen anything like it. How can he live in these conditions? Why didn’t he tell me this before?

He excused himself to go the bathroom and I saw it as a great opportunity to check his closest and see is he has anything compromising like a rope and black plastic bags or anything that would let me know he was a serial killer. I was astounded to see his clothes and shoes all name brands: Gucci, Armani, Louis Vuitton, Fendi, and Prada. I wonder how he could afford all this and still live in a shitty place.

He apologized for the condition of his apartment and told me that he did not have much because he was planning on moving soon.

I left my luggage there and was preparing for a night in the town. We went to a restaurant and had Middle Eastern food, it was delicious. The bill came and he asked me if I could pay for it because the bank was holding his check for a couple of days, I accepted after all he will soon be my husband.

It was early hours in the morning, I was having the time of my life.Yes I totally saw myself living this life, maybe we did not have riches but we had each other and I will work and help him build our love nest.

To be continued...

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 4 of 27

Two days before thanksgiving and 1 day to go. I told my mom that I was going to Canada and that I had it with her drama. She did not ask any relevant questions, my uncle on the other hand was a little perplexed and concerned, asked me who was I going with I told him with a couple of friends from college, he said to be careful and to not be angry at my mother. I figure that since she was a bitch with me, she did not deserve to know the truth, anyways she wanted me gone.

I was rushing to get everything ready and I did not have much time to think, nor sleep. I said my final good byes and I was sad to leave my 2 brothers with the witch.

I got to the airport and it hit me, I began to realize the importance of my actions, I started getting nervous and shaking. I had to control myself because this was after 9/11 when everybody was paranoid and I did not want to look suspicious, the last thing I needed is to be stopped by police because they think I am about to blow up a plain. I had to wait a couple of hours for my plane, I went to the chapel in the airport and I just poured my heart out to God.

I was so afraid, I was all ready in the airport and there was no going back. I cried and prayed that he wasn’t a psychopath and murder me like in the movies; I did not wish to die that way. I asked God to forgive me for being stubborn and disobedient. I stopped crying because I was ruining my make up and did not want to re do it.

After 5 hours in a plane I arrived in Canada.

I was half awake and extremely exhausted because I had no sleep the night before. I rushed to retouch my make up, made sure that my hair was in place, checked if I still smelled fresh and ensured that my clothes were not too wrinkled.

It was about 9 pm and there I was in Canada home of the maple leaf.
To be continued...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 3 of 27

Things at home were going from bad to worse. In College we had a teacher’s strike and suspended all classes until further notice. Weeks passed and the school faculty announced that we were going to miss this semester and will have to start classes in spring. I was glad because now I can spend more time with piercedtongue.

I had 5 months to get ready to meet him, I said to myself: well, now that we meet face to face, if there is chemistry we continue and if there isn’t then I just cut all ties with him. Easy as 1, 2, and 3 I thought.

It was the beginning of November and 4 months to go. My uncle and my cousin that I have not seen since I was 12 years old came to visit. My mother was mean and rude to me, she offended me in front of them and I would talk back to her trying to make her feel stupid.

That night, my uncle, cousin, two brothers, mom and I went to a department store, my mother asked everyone to pick an early Christmas present .I was looking into getting a perfume bottle and she told me in front of everybody

--no, not you, you are still living at home that is enough of a present.

I was so humiliated and acted like it did not bother me and could not wait to get to my room so I could start crying in peace. Later my cousin asked to come to my room, my face was puffy and my eyes were red, he then sat there and told me
--just be patient and keep your mouth quiet, save enough money and leave this house.
The next day I woke up and over heard my mother talking on the phone with one of my aunts, saying

--I don’t know why she still living at home, why doesn’t she move away, she is old enough. I can’t wait for my other boys to be 18 and just leave me alone.
I came out the room to take a shower and everybody was looking at me, no one was saying anything but I felt everyone (except my mom) being nice to me and feeling sorry. I hated that feeling of compassion towards me, it made me feel even more humiliated.

I knew it was time to go.

I spoke to piercedtongue, he told me that I should not take that and that I must go to Canada and marry him and he will take care of me. I asked if the offer of paying ½ of my ticket was still standing because I had very few money saved. He told me that since he was thinking that I was going to leave in 4 months he did not have money saved for my ticket. He said to pay for it myself and he would reimburse me once I get there.

I went to a travel agency and bought a one way ticket to Canada, the lady in the frontdesk was puzzled on why I was only buying a one way ticket to Canada, before she asked I told her that I had family there and that they offered to pay for my ticket on my way back. We both smiled and left it at that.

I went to visit my friend from Yemen with who I had a fling but then became good friends. He was against this right from the get go, he told me that Piercedtongue was not an honest man, that honest middle eastern men don’t act this way. I told him that I made up my mind and showed him my plane ticket. He was silent for a moment and wished me the best.

To be continued...

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Why did i come to Canada?! Part 2 of 27

My best friend was concerned, she gave me advice to be best of her knowledge but I wasn’t listening, of course I was scared, but I also was enjoying having him in my life.

I was always thinking about him, we were on the phone 24/7. He would call me to wake me up, I called him during my lunch hour and right after work, he called during school brakes and after school, it was insane. He told me that he wanted to marry me that he was tired of being alone. We were making plans for the future, our future.

At church I was not there physically, I was somewhere else lost in the limbo, still thinking about him, thinking on how are we going to work this out, is he serious about this? Does he want to marry me and start a family? Do I want to start a family? With a guy that has a different religion then mine? All I knew was that this time I am not going to let my insecurities keep me from true love.

I could not confide with anybody in church, I felt that they were all puritans, they will never understand. I must have been acting strange because a church member approached me and said:
-- I know it is not my business but you look different
--I said different how?
--He said are you seeing someone?

He was married to a very lovely woman they were a young couple; he seemed trustworthy so I confided in him. I told him, he was from Canada but I never mentioned that I met him online, that I have never seeing the guy in person. I told him that he was Muslim and that I loved him.

I did not feel that he was judging me like I’ve felt with other people before. He was calmed and he gave me a wise advice, he said it did not matter if he was Muslim but I should really think about setting some ground rules if I wanted to be in a serious relationship. He asked if he could meet him and that he will be praying for us. Of course he cannot meet him; I have not even met him myself. I said yes sure, you will meet him one of these days.

I talked to piercedtongue and we talked about religion, I told him that I cannot change my religion, that my kids when they are young will go to my church, I did not want him to control they way I dressed, I was not ok if he decided to have more than one wife, and that I had a stereotype that Middle Eastern men were very controlling and wife beaters. He agreed to my demands and said that this will not be a problem; He laughed and said that Middle Eastern men thought that most American women were whores; he asked me if it was true I said NO! It is not true, and then he said,” see, it is just a silly stereotype”
I felt assured in knowing that we already talked about these issues and we came to an understanding.
All I had to worry was to be happy and prepare myself for my new future.

To be continued…

Monday, March 2, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 1 of 27

{I have not finished writing this entry so I am not sure how many parts I have but it is a long one, please bear with me. As soon as I finish writing it I will let you know how many parts are remaining. Thank you for your understanding}

I had a one way airplane ticket to Canada in my hand. I could not believe what I was doing. It was crazy, insane, there was no logic.

A few weeks prior buying my ticket I explain to my best friend, what I was about to do. She insisted that it was not a wise idea, I did not care I made up my mind and there was no human power stopping me.

The truth was that a found a way out, a way out of my mother’s house, away out of my loneliness and a way out of this monotony. I wanted to breathe a different air, there was a lack of something, I needed something exiting, and I was bored. Now that I think about it my mother did play a big factor in making my decision but I cannot say that she made me do this, I really can’t tell if I would have done the same thing with out her constant disapproval of everything, I guess I was rebelling, I don’t know maybe it was fate.

I met him online, Yahoo to be exact. I had a friend from Canada named Mike I talked to Mike for sometime (met him in yahoo also) he was a nice Palestinian guy living in Canada, our relationship was extrictly friendship.

One day while in college I was feeling kind of bored, my lecture was so boring and I could not get myself to concentrate, I did not want to be there. I opened my messenger and there was no one to talk to, I decided to enter a chat room. Piercedtongue420 requested to talk to me I accepted we talk for sometime, he was a slow typists and I was getting annoyed but I continued talking to him because I rather do that then concentrate on my lecture.

I mentioned that I had a friend named Mike living in the metropolitan area; he told me that he had a cousin named Mike living in the metropolitan area as well, he described him exactly like the Mike I knew, I thought it was such a curious coincidence.

I sent a message to Mike asking him if he knew this guy, I waited a few days and there was no response from Mike. I talked to piercedtongue420, I asked him what was going on with Mike why he wasn’t answering my emails, Piercedtongue said that he went back to Middle East to visit family. We hit it off quite well by this time we were already talking on the phone for hours. His cousin Mike finally came back, I spoke to him on the phone and explain to him who I was and that I talked to him before, he said he did not know who I was, I gave” my Mike’s” email address and it wasn’t him, it was all a mistake. To me this did not matter, I thought: oh well it is not important. I liked piercedtongue

I was spending a fortune on calling cards; I neglected my studies, my social life, my church etc...

When I met piercedtongue I had ended a 1 ½ year relationship, well if you can call it a relationship. To me it was indeed the most rich and inspiring relationship I’ve ever had. I regretted not taking chances and being a coward, too scared and worried about what people would think of me that I let this opportunity passed. It was my firs Love (Check out my Post “My first Love” I will be posting it soon.)

Piercedtongue and I were spending so much time together, on the phone,webcam,email. We were so in lust. I was enjoying having him in my life, it was a thrill, it was exiting, I could be myself. He was so caring he listened to everything I had to say, he was so handsome, and he was a dream. Although I was having all this emotions I never thought it was serious, I wanted to enjoy this ride, I wanted to live this fantasy for as long as I could.

While putting gas in my car I was on the phone with him (Yes, I know dangerous, at least that’s what I heard) he asked me to come and see him, he gave his reason why he could not come to see me, he offered to pay for half of my airplane ticket, I accepted and told him to give me about 8 months to save money and to wait for a school brake. At that moment I clearly remember telling my self: Shania you are in deep deep trouble.
To be continued…