Wednesday, February 11, 2009

About My Mother.... (Part 3 of 6)

After being away from my mother (about a year) she called me, not that I did not contacted her before I did but most of the time I would say:
-- Hey, how are you?
--blah, blah ,blah
-- Whatever
- Listen, I am going out so.. gotta go
-- OK

I was never interested in what she had to say. The day she called me, I guess she was feeling sick or depressed or whatever. She said that she made some mistakes in her life and she felt sorry for my brothers because they had a really rough time growing up, because she made some stupid decisions. The part that killed me was when she said:” Out of everybody you had it the easiest, you were so lucky”. I remember that I was furious , I don’t remember exactly what I was doing but I remember that I stop and wanted to fucken cry and tell her HOW THE FUCK YOU SAY THAT !ARE YOU FUCKEN SERIOUS? I was speechless, I was shocked I was hurt, I lost it, I told her: “You have no idea what you are saying, that I had it easy, that I was lucky, YOU FUCKED UP MY LIFE” I hung up

We did not hear from each other for a couple of months, I don’t know who called who but we eventually talked. We never mention this conversation again and I never apologized for what I said and neither did she.

I never filled her in about my life, she never knew anything and she never asked. We continue calling each other on holidays and birthdays. One of those calls was the one that I was waiting for years, yeah; it was when she called asking me to forgive her.
I waited for this a really longtime but when she actually said: “can you forgive me for everything I have done” I was numbed, I did not see that coming, and I did not feel like it was enough.

Of course I said yes, but I did not feel that way, I felt like I said yes out of pity for her, I said yes because somehow I knew that’s what she wanted to hear, I did not want to hurt her feelings I did not want history to repeat itself .Once my mother confessed that she had a really bad relationship with her grandmother and that on her deathbed she asked my mother to forgive her… and she refused.

Later I thought about that, I was remembering the way she sounded when she asked me for forgiveness she was really sorry, she was frustrated, she was hurt, and her voice was as if she was pleading.

Yes, I really said yes but gosh why was I not able to feel that I've forgiving her, I really wanted to forgive her, I wanted to have a conversation with her and not saying in my head: yeah , whatever its all your fault, you are paying for your sins, I mean how was I able to think that way, why every time she opened her mouth she would annoy me, anything she said seemed unintelligent even if she had good point of view, why was I still judging her? I was not God, not even close.

I wanted so bad to forgive her, I wasn’t able to feel that way so I settled for diplomacy.


Anonymous said...

I guess it all comes down to when you hear that forgiving is one thing and forgetting is another. True forgiveness needs to come from deep within your heart. See maybe that person who asked for forgiveness feels forgiven and has moved on...maybe, maybe not. Truth is we have to really forgive in order for us to be forgiven. I'm looking forward to reading the remaining parts.

Ajonc said...

Bonjour Shania, tu te souviens très bien de ton Français :)
I have quite the same relationships with my father... but he never apologized, whatever I said, however I cried... I understand how you felt during this phonecall... and yes, forgiveness is so difficult! For me, I were "saved" by my daughter's birth : then, I realized that, for the very first time, I could act, I could end the "pain-chain" (my grand-mother was terrible with my father : he's reenacting) and choose to be different with my kids, so they won't suffer as I used to... (But, nethertheless, I still wait for a sign, a word from my father... Hopeless wait...)

Faker said...

Like the others said, forgiveness is hard. It's hard because you have to let go of the hurtful past and not let it affect you. I'm not saying forget the past because like you said before you don't want history to repeat itself, so remember the hard times and treat your children better in the future.

Shania said...

I believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe this experience will help me be a better person with my offspring and the world around me. like anonymous said "maybe that person who asked for forgiveness feels forgiven and has moved on" now is not about her its about me.Thank you all for you comments.

.beee. said...

I completely understand where you're coming from in this entry...with the forgiveness being hard. I've had a similar situation with my dad for well, 22 whole life. I really enjoy your blog. I'll be keeping up with it as often as I can. Keep up the good work =)

Shania said...

Thank you so much bee. I hope you can work out your differences with your dad, you know life is short. I am glad that I was able to reconcile with my mom and enjoy the years that are to come.

William H. Balzac said...

Sometimes, it's harder to much so, that forgiveness becomes a riverbed you never set a foot in.

The one who hurts another the most, or is blind to themselves, uses words, and only words, in order to deny the hurt they've caused. Actions, always speak louder than words.

Forgiveness, real forgiveness, takes a lot of time. The time in-between (the stand-off period) is valuable. If you can see your mother w/a bit distance, one day you'll move closer in your mind to her. That's the day, you be able to forgive.

Forgetting, though, is not something to shut-away. It is a defense against further hurt.