Friday, February 13, 2009

About my mother ( Part 5 of 6)

I decided to call her and tell her everything...

Me—Ma, I forgive you!
Mom—what are you talking about, I thought you did.
Me—I said yes but I did not mean it, now I do
Mom—it’s been 2 years since my apology, why are you telling me this now
Me—because I forgive you now, LIKE RIGHT NOW!
Mom—I did not know that you were still resentful towards me, why
Me—because -so many crap that I had to go through

For the first time she was listening to me, she wasn’t getting angry like other times when I tried to explain my point of view.

Me—You were always yelling, you never told me that you loved me, you were so selfish, you only thought about yourself, you left my dad, you told my friends things about me that were not true, you were always telling your friends that I wasn’t what you expected, you tried to commit suicide and everybody at school knew and I was so embarrass to be the daughter of the crazy lady(I was trying to hold my tears because I did not want to cry and I did, I thought why do you want to cry, haven’t you forgiving her? It is hard to explain I cried but it was not like before, I cried, I don’t know why I cried.

Mom—I am sorry, I made mistakes
Me—because you always yelled at me and you never gave me advice like my friends moms and you always judged me and I saw that you preferred my brothers.
I was still crying, I was trying to say this things before my voice started to brake, I was trying to conceal my emotions and trying to keep a calm voice, I don’t know if she knew I was crying

Me—you lied about many things, you lied to me, you lied to my brothers, you made them believe that this man was their father and later you were angry at him and told my brothers that it was a lie, I saw what they went through, I saw when they cried at night. You brought my baby cousin to live with us, after you were tired of her you did not change her diaper, you were be angry when she cried and yell at her you did not give a fuck about her, so I had to step in and change diapers and make her bottles at night and the next morning having to go to school I was fucken 12 years old, that was your responsibility, I never agreed on doing this. You just fucken knew that I would take care of her, you figure the dumb ass Shania is weak and stupid enough to do my job ,right?

I was crying, and she knew that I was crying and in my fucking head am I thinking have I really forgiving her? I took a deep breath and yes, I still felt like I forgave her, I was crying because I remembered and I was crying because I finally had the balls to tell her exactly how I felt. For once she was hearing my part of the story.

She was crying, I could hear her.

Mom—I love you, I always have and I never gave you advice because I really did not know how to handle a teenager, I was going through my own problems, I was an emotional wreck and you always showed me that you were very mature for your age. About the other stuff, I AM FUCKEN SORRY, I FUCKEN HATED MY SELF FOR THAT,WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, I did not know what to do

Me—I forgave you, I am not bitter anymore. I was crying because I was able to tell you how I felt all this years (This time I meant what I said)

(I forgot to mention when my step father kicked me out and she did nothing, but I figure it did not matter anymore).LOL I Know, all of a sudden I wanted bring up every little thing my mom did.

That night she called me to tell me that she was feeling happy and thankful to God because she had understood many things and that now she appreciates the most simple things in life, bird watching , gardening especially planting flowers , she admired their beauty and taking care of them and watching them grow gave her great pleasure.
She gave me a few websites were she had purchased amaryllis bulbs, that is my favorite flower she said, I really did not care for flowers I am not interested in gardening I told her, she insisted in asking me to check them out on the web, I agreed because we just had a major breakthrough and did not want to start an argument.
I went on line and I saw those flowers, they were beautiful and even that I was not a flower kind of person I truly saw their beauty , how God created flowers just to delight our sight. Flowers and gardening have a new meaning to me, especially amaryllis. (I don’t think that many of you noticed but in all the posts” about my mother” I included a picture of amaryllis, a tribute to my mother.)

We spent over 4 hours on the phone, bonding about flowers, menopause, hormones and her past.


Rupesh said...

Shania! May you be the perpetual sources of pure intellect and reflect through this space where the guided aware human brains may feel OWN SPACE
AFTER ALL LIFE IS ALL ABOUT LIVING :) with just more awareness and alertness.


sanju said...

Hi Shania, Nice reading your blog. First time i came across something like this. will visit back often

meanwhile you are invited to visit my blog

Shania said...

Thank You Rupesh for your comment, it was very enlightening. Sanju I will sure check your blog, thanks for the comment.