Thursday, February 12, 2009

About my mother... (Part 4 or 6)




It has been a little over 4 years since the last time I saw her, I have never invited her to come and visit me here in Canada, she tried to invite herself once, I told her that we were painting the apartment. I guess she got the point and has never mentioned it again.

About a month ago she called me and as usual, called me to complain about the world, about all her medical conditions, to tell me how terrible my brothers are doing, I had it! I have been listening to this kind of conversations for a long long time and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that all she does is to call me to complain, to bitch and rant about things that are out of her control, that I did not want to hear it and if she called me again to tell me the same thing, she should not bother because I was gonna hang up anyways.

A couple of days later she called and said that she wasn’t feeling well, that she was sick and everyday was difficult to live because she felt like crap. I basically told her that it’s all in her head an told her to think positive, to try and control her thoughts, to pray and that I would pray for her as well. The truth of the matter is that I did not give a rats ass, I felt bad that she felt this way but I was like fuck it, that’s her life, I was desensitized about her emotional well being.


A week has passed since our last conversation, I was watching TV, “Oprah” and It was a show about hormone therapy and menopause, I saw the show and I started thinking about my mother , many of the symptoms that these women had were similar to the ones my mother described. I started doing research on menopause and hormone therapy, my understanding on hormone therapy was limited but I tried to give her as much information as I could, at the same time I became more sympathetic towards her I understood that it was not in her head like I believed.

I was reading a book called “The new earth” by Eckhart Tolle ( I have not finished it so I cant really recommend it) I came across with a chapter that was talking about “the pain body” It made me think why was it that I could not forgive my mother, was it because I was too hurt? Yes I was hurt, did I want to forgive her? Yes, I did, I did not want to have this resentment towards her, and did I love her? Of course I loved her. Like I said, I have not finish the book so I can’t get into depth about the pain body. After I analyzed all my thoughts and my feelings I thought about the pain body and I asked myself, Do I forgive my mother?
Yes I do, I truly forgive her, I truly feel that way, I felt at ease, I felt at peace.



2 comments:

Darrel said...

shania
your blog is very well written.........i'm impressed

Shania said...

I am glad that you liked my blog. I try my best.

 

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