Funny (Part 1 of many more)

I found some funny shit that I wanna share with you.Hope you enjoy as much as I did.
C'mmon have a laugh don't be uptight!

51 things I love about myself and random things I like

•My sense of humor, I think I have an ok sense of humor

•My compassion towards other people, I try to put myself in someone else shoes

•My generosity, I go out of my ways to help someone in need

•My spirituality, I believe in God, I believe in hope, I believe that everything happens for a reason and that each step I take no matter how insignificant, leads me to my ultimate goal

•My intelligence, EI (emotional Intelligence) and some what academic

•My honesty (despite what I wrote in the other post)

•I try to be as fair as possible

•Having an open mind, not necessary have to agree but learn about others

•My ability to make friends, without being too fake

•I know how to keep secrets



•I am a true friend not a back stabber

•I am able to be extremely nice(and mean it) but I don’t let others bus me around or take advantage of me

•I tell you how it is, even if it hurts, I have a hard time with this one because no matter how many times I’ve done it, I still don’t want to hurt peoples feeling but at the end I tell them the truth

•My ability to move on, if you don’t like me, If you reject me, If I am not what you want, there is always some else for me

•My thankfulness, I start my day with a small prayer of thankfulness, I thank people from my boss, my family even the clerk in the store, Make eye contact and really let them know that I appreciate what they do for me

•I still believe in the goodness of people, I believe I must give back ,I should not keep what was given to me by grace

•I strongly believe in Karma, Do unto others as you would have others do unto you

•I am a quick learner

•Always looking to learn new things

•Always looking at the bright side of things



•Not afraid to ask questions even when people give me this look, “what you mean you don’t get it”

•I try to keep it real as much possible

•I like to read; self help books,magazine,articles,blogs,etc

•I enjoy trying new things and sometimes I regret it , like the time I tried Durian fruit, ewwww never again!!

•I enjoy watching films especially independent and foreign (if anybody know of a good website to watch these kind of movies, let me know)

•I like to meet people from different backgrounds (ethnic,social,academic,religious,etc) there is so much I can learn from them

•I love all kinds of music, I find beauty in all of them

•I like to daydream

•I like to find meaning even in the smallest things

•I love to do quizzes and test just to find out more about myself(let me know if there are any good website for test and quizzes)



•I like to analyze things and see the best possibility although sometimes I just go with what I feel

•I have many layers just like an onion, different interests that sometimes I did not know I had, It is so exciting to find this about myself

•I can adapt to any environment

•I like to reflect on my life

•I love to drink water

•I love to cook especially learning new recipes from different cultures

•I love to meet people

•I like to let people know how much I love them

•I am crazy about coconuts, I love all fruit and vegetables(except celery and durians)

•I love to smell nice aromas such as lavender, coconut, baby powder, passion fruit, etc.



•I like to send blessings to strangers, ex: I am in the subway and I see a stranger just sitting there then all of the sudden I feel sympathy towards him/her, I take a moment say a prayer and bless this person(I don't let them know,they'll think I am crazy)

•I love fine chocolate

•I love the fact that my armpits don’t smell, I am serious, I’ve asked friends and my husband to check them out, and they all agree that they have no smell. Wanna smell them?

•I like sex, just like everybody else

•I love make up, but not trashy or too heavy

•I love to laugh until I am pissing in my pants

•I love my husband

•I love to know and feel that someone loves me

•I love to sleep and I can sleep well most of the time

•I love to blog

•I like to think about the good things I have and the ones I don’t… maybe I just don’t need them

Truth

The person that you see is not that person that I am,

The person that you see doesn't like "me"

The person that is walking is going to a place

The place that I am going has nothing to do with "me"

Walking like a zombie

A zombie in this world

Tell me what to do, tell me what to think

I will tell the truth nothing but the truth

Even if my truth is different then yours

I must obey all the rules

If I want to be successful in this world

I must obtain riches, power, knowledge and degrees

Remember to be nice if you want acceptance

Remember to pretend, but always tell the truth

So what happens if I tell the truth?

Will you see me the same way?

Will everything be OK?

If I follow all the rules

Will I find happiness?

Will I be fulfilled?

I've been told that this world doesn't matter and I a way I believe is true

But how can I avoid losing my true essence in this virtual world.

I've being putting different mask through out my life;

I am told by elders that I should hide my imperfections and show my best assets

I been told by others to tell the truth

But are they really ready for the truth?

If I tell you what I think will you still be my friend?

If I tell you how I feel will you still be there?

What no one told me is that I should follow the rules

But as the game unravels I should cheat too.

51 Things I am not proud of/don’t care

•I am a chocoholic

•I lie about my age/weight

•I talk to myself when no one is around

•I’ve picked my nose when no one is looking

•I lied to someone just to start a conversation or fill up an uncomfortable silence during a conversation

•I don’t tell good looking guys that I am married until asked

•I don’t wear underwear in the summer or when wearing a skirt(don't care)

•I’ve talked to my best guy friend on the phone and when my husband asked I said it was my brother

•I once lied about meeting a girl friend and went to dinner with a guy friend/it was friendship only

•I’ve fantasized about an attractive co worker

•I’ve faked orgasms and just took care of myself later

•I’ve lied about some things in my past and withheld information from my husband
•I’ve watched porn and liked it

•I still have mental images of porn I’ve watched

•I’ve told my husband that his best friend is fuckin sexy

•I swear more then I want to

•I farted on a bus, picked a victim and just stare at him with a disgusted look in my face and everybody else thought it was him/not proud

•I’ve lied about not speaking Spanish so I wont be bother on translating to someone

•I’ve pretended not to speak Spanish/being Hispanic so I can find out if they are talking about me, surprisingly they were talking about me(more then once)

•I’ve stolen clip packs, paper, whiteout and other stuffs from work

•When I worked at a restaurant I did not shared my tip

•I think about sex more then I admit to

•I checked out other girls and thought that they had nice tits and ass/I am not gay

•I started using tampons last year(not proud)

•I’ve been thinking about buying a dildo

•I’ve pretty much had all kinds of sex

•I think about beauty/good looks more then I want to(not proud)

•I usually want to be friends with the cool or good looking crowd

•I’ve stolen 40 dollars from my husband’s wallet(to avoid the question “what do you need it for”)

•I check his phone/wallet on a regular basis(don't care)

•I’ve hidden food from my husband before he eats it all

•I’ve faked a friendship with my husbands girl friends so I can get juicy details about his past

•I owe money to my best friend(don’t worry girl, I told you I will pay)not proud

•A man made me an offer to have sex with him for money, I thought about it for a couple days (you will see the whole story on “why I came to Canada” entry)

•I don’t regret mistakes I’ve made in my life

•I’ve discriminated against old people(definitely not proud)

•I masturbate and I am too embarrass to admit it(Girl, please don’t ask me how)

•I like to chew on flavored condoms

•Sometimes I don’t let other people talk, I just assume that I know already(working on this one)

•I do a pretty good job of being a faker

•My brothers and I keep secrets from my mom

•I can be a royal bitch when I want to

•I pretend to be a bad liar to my husband so I can later use this to my advantage

•I’ve been planning to have a secret bank account, Just in case if he dumps my ass or the other way around

•I prepare for the worst, is it bad? Sometimes I feel guilty

•I love my husband very much and I am happy to be with him but I keep 10% of that love for myself, is it selfish? Am I wrong? Please some feedback

•I have short patience with stupid people (working on that one)

•I’ve thought that some babies are ugly and I lied when everybody else says : Oh so cute, I would say, “yes cute”

•I don’t care much for babies

•I suspect that one of my girl friends likes my husband, I don’t invite her to my house anymore, I meet her some where else

•I make excuses on why people act certain way, I feel bad to say “they are mean people or he is definitely cheating on you” I always give them the benefit of the doubt and sometimes I don’t want to

•I just hope I have these many things to say on my next post “51 things I like about me”

Movie reviews and more

First of all, I want to thank the people that read my blog, that is following it and who ever took the time to leave me messages, just want you to know that they are greatly appreciated.

I am currently working on new posts, please bear with me. The following are post that you soon will see on my blog.

•Why I came to Canada: The story behind my drastic decision to leave everything in the U.S.A, to pursuit love, freedom and to experience the real world. It is really long so please be patient with this one.

•My first love: A crazy tale on how I met my first love, why was he my first love even if people disagreed.

•My Valentine’s Special: I know, Valentine’s is over but what I have to say, doesn’t have an expiration date. The truth is that I was busy doing other things so I had no time to work on this.

•Inspired by two movies, “Towel Head” and “Under the same moon”: These movies inspired me to write about something that is close to my heart.

•A letter to my grandmother

•Things I hate about me / don’t give a damn: Pretty self explanatory

•Things I love about me

•My teenage years: My perspective while growing up

Ohh man, this looks like a lot of things to write about, well just give me a few months to write everything

Before I write all these, let me just give you a review on movies that I recently saw.

Igor Animated (Voice of John Cusack): An Igor dreams to invent an evil machine to win a competition and get recognition and respect from everyone specially his master. What a piece of crap movie! It sucked. It was boring, not funny at all and too scary for little kids. Don’t bother.

Open season Part two Animated(Voice of Joel Mchale and Mike Epps )Following the adventures of a bear, a dear and a domesticated dog that wants to be wild or vile like he says because he is a(German dog, can’t pronounce the “w”). This movie was alright, it had some funny parts, and kids from all ages will enjoy it. It wasn’t as good as the first one but hey, if you got kids, give it a shot.

Bolt Animated (Voice of John Travolta and Miley Cyrus) : A dog star of a fictional sci-fi/action show that believes his powers are real embarks on a cross country trek to save his co-star from a threat he believes is just as real. This movie was ok, it is totally guided for a younger kid audience, if you are an adult and are looking for something fun and funny, I am not sure this will be the right choice.

Madagascar Part two Animated:(Voice of Ben stiller and Chris Rock) The sequel to 2005's "Madagascar", in which New York Zoo animals, Alex the Lion, Marty the Zebra, Melman the Giraffe and Gloria the Hippo, still stranded on Madagascar, start to leave the island. I enjoyed watching this movie, it was funny, it had a lot of adult jokes with out being to “adult” fun for everyone. I thought it was better than the first one. I recommend it.

Coroline 3D animated: (Voice of Dakota Fanning and Terry Hatcher): A tale of unhappy girl, who steps into an alternate-life parents dote on her, but there is something sinister about their desire to keep her from returning home. I saw this at the movie theater , I was so exited in the beginning because I had a pair of 3D glasses and everything looked so cool but as the movie unfolded I started to get this uneasy feeling and feeling kind of scared. I don’t know maybe I am just a chicken but this movie is way to dark and scary definitely not for small children, maybe for pre-teens. I don’t know if I should recommend it, follow your gut.

Rocknrolla:(Starring Tom Wilkinson and Gerrard Butler)In London, a real-estate scam puts millions of pounds up for grabs, attracting some of the city's scrappiest tough guys and its more established underworld types, all of who are looking to get rich quick. Not my type of movie but I have to admit that it was not one of those cheezy action movies; it was smart and full of surprises. I recommend watching this movie but it’s one of those that you have to really pay attention because if you don’t you might lose a bit of the story.

Towel head:( Aaron Eckhart and Tony Collete) An Arab-American teenager is trying to find herself, exploring her sexuality and her identity divided by two cultures while a perv of a neighbor is molesting her. I loved this movie, one because I have felt divided by two cultures while growing up and another because I have lived with a middle eastern man and I can understand their culture. I definitely recommend watching this movie; it has a good message and a good story. It showed me that some of us can really make a difference in someone’s life that is need.

Rachel getting married:(Starring Anne Hathaway) A young woman who has been in and out from rehab for the past 10 years returns home for the weekend for her sister's wedding. This movie was ok, I understood the story and was able to see all side of the story, the pain that the family and the recovering addict were going through. Honestly it was a an ok movie, if you want to see it don’t pay for it, just see it online www.ovguide.com

Under the same moon :( Starring Kate Del Castillo and Eugenio Derbez) A little boy leaves Mexico in search of his mother that went to the U.S.A to look for a job so that she can give him a better life. This movie is not for everybody. In my case I have a weak spot for this type of movies because I personally know people that share this story. I cried because I have seen the struggles of this people to make it to the states and many of them have lost their lives in search of the American dream. I recommend this movie, not because it’s a great movie in fact the ending kind of suck, but because It shows the other side of the story of Mexican immigrants that go to the states to find work and how everyday they have to fight the same battle, not getting caught by immigration and be sent home without a penny in their pockets.

Body of Lies: (Starring Leonardo Di Caprio and Russell Crow) A CIA agent uncovers a lead on a major terrorist leader suspected to be operating out of Jordan. This movie was pretty good, it had some action, smart plot, very entertaining and had interesting points of view. I strongly recommend it.

Vicki,Cristina,Barcelona: (starring: Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson) two friends embark on a journey to Spain. Vicki is an analytical, down to earth girl basically a miss goody two shoes control freak. Christina is more of a dreamer; go with the flow kind of girl. They meet a charming artist and his not so charming psycho killer ex wife.(Psycho killer q u'est-ce que c'est? fa fa fa fa far better, run run run run away Oh oh oh) Ok, sorry I couldn’t help myself, back to the movie review. After meeting each other everyone else rediscovers themselves. What did I think of this movie? LOVED IT! I guess because It hit close home. It inspired me to feel, to live to love passionately! I have not seen many Woody Allen movies but in my opinion this one is the best. I admit that it is a girly movie, a date movie guaranteed to get laid kind of movie, just don’t expect miracles.

Check out these websites to watch movies, no download necessary: www.tv-dome.net,www.movie6.net and www.alluc.org

About my mother (Part 6 of 6)

I asked her about my family from my dad’s side, because I haven’t had much contact with them. My parents split when I was 6 or 7 years old, I don’t remember much about him, I just remember that he loved oregano (a spice) and I knew that he was a drunk.

I was 18 years old when I heard that my dad passed away.
A year before this, I went to look for him, he was living in Los Angeles, it was an 8 hour drive from where I lived. I never told him that I was coming, only my aunt (his sister) knew, I went to his house and he wasn’t there; he took sometime off and went to another state. I could not wait for him to comeback; I just left him a note and a picture of myself and slipped it under the door. I heard from him a week after, he said he was sorry that he missed me, thought that I was a beautiful girl and told me that he loved me. Did not say that he will come and visit me or that I should be back some other time but I figured that if he was a drunk he was probably always smashed (deliriously drunk) and did not want me to see him that way. I really did not care what he said; I was over the fact that I did not have a dad.
When my mom told me that he was really sick, I went to see him, I saw this skinny man lying in bed, he looked like a stranger, I did not recognized him, I did not look like him. He was high on medication and although he knew who I was, he did not talk to me, he said to my aunt “My daughter is prettier then yours” I was so embarrassed. I left because there was nothing I could do he had cirrhosis; the doctor only gave him a couple of months to live.

When I heard that my dad died, I did not feel anything, I did not shed a single tear, I was not angry at him, nor bitter or resentful, it was like listening to the news. I had nothing to say. I refused to go to the funeral because I believed that there was no point on going since he was dead, I saw him when he was alive. When my mother came back from the funeral she brought back a couple of t-shirts from my dad, letters, Identification cards, pictures etc. I did not know what to do with it, so I tossed it. I just kept the t-shirts and used them as pajamas.

I asked her about why she left my dad, she told me how abusive and drunk he used to get, how he used to wake her up by the hair at 3 or 4 in the morning to make him something to eat, that if she would not respond to him when he was talking he would spit in her face, on how he used to beat her and told her that he was going to kill her if she left. She never told me this before, all this time I knew that he was a drunk but I did not know all the details.

All of sudden I started to remember…… I especially remember that it was my birthday( I don’t remember how old I was) I remember my mom getting off the phone and she started crying. I told her mom, do you remember that?, she said yes, I am surprised you remember this, I was crying because your father's lover called me and said: David is not going to your fucken daughters birthday party, he is staying with me, he does not love you. My father never made it to my birthday party.

I said to my mother, mom I also remember that one day I found you in the bathroom banging your head in the wall and pulling your hair out. She said” I did not think you saw it, I am ashamed, I was feeling helpless, your father was beating me everyday for no reason, I had no money, I was very young, I was living illegally in a country were I knew no one, I did not speak the language, my family disowned me because I left to be with your father, you were so young, I did not know what to do. She also told me that I was 4 years old and when I defended her from my father, he was strangling her, she told “you saved my life because he would have killed me”
I was crying because I had no idea that she went through all this, I was starting to remember many things that some how I’ve blocked. I don’t know why I could not remember before. I was understanding this mess, I was starting to see the whole story, her past have determined the person that she was now. My mother was not perfect but she did the best she could. She tried to give us the best in material things, that was her way of telling us that she loved us.

As I am writing this I am feeling “un nudo en la garganta” in Spanish it literally means a lump in ones throat it means getting all choked up(sad, and speechless.) I know that I was meant to have this mother.

I am thankful for the good things that I have learned from my mother, her compassion towards the needy, her generosity with the poor, her sensitivity, her spirituality. Life did not give her what she want, life was very unfair to her, life crushed her dreams and aspirations, and life was a bitch. Maybe life was using my mother to make a way for me, to do things differently for myself and my children to be. Life was selfish with my mother but generous to me.

I have found a new respect for my mother, I am appreciative of my mother.I am just glad that we were able to patch things up while she still alive. I know she is not perfect and neither am I. I know that probably in the future we will have our differences but I am not holding grudges any more, I will see things differently. I am proud to be my mother’s daughter.

There are things that lie in the past that I cannot change and in a way dictates who I am. I must learn from my experiences and take them as blessings. I cannot dwell in the past and wonder what would’ve happened if things were different, I am exactly where I need to be.

About my mother ( Part 5 of 6)

I decided to call her and tell her everything...

Me—Ma, I forgive you!
Mom—what are you talking about, I thought you did.
Me—I said yes but I did not mean it, now I do
Mom—it’s been 2 years since my apology, why are you telling me this now
Me—because I forgive you now, LIKE RIGHT NOW!
Mom—I did not know that you were still resentful towards me, why
Me—because -so many crap that I had to go through
Mom—(silence)

For the first time she was listening to me, she wasn’t getting angry like other times when I tried to explain my point of view.

Me—You were always yelling, you never told me that you loved me, you were so selfish, you only thought about yourself, you left my dad, you told my friends things about me that were not true, you were always telling your friends that I wasn’t what you expected, you tried to commit suicide and everybody at school knew and I was so embarrass to be the daughter of the crazy lady(I was trying to hold my tears because I did not want to cry and I did, I thought why do you want to cry, haven’t you forgiving her? It is hard to explain I cried but it was not like before, I cried, I don’t know why I cried.

Mom—I am sorry, I made mistakes
Me—because you always yelled at me and you never gave me advice like my friends moms and you always judged me and I saw that you preferred my brothers.
I was still crying, I was trying to say this things before my voice started to brake, I was trying to conceal my emotions and trying to keep a calm voice, I don’t know if she knew I was crying

Me—you lied about many things, you lied to me, you lied to my brothers, you made them believe that this man was their father and later you were angry at him and told my brothers that it was a lie, I saw what they went through, I saw when they cried at night. You brought my baby cousin to live with us, after you were tired of her you did not change her diaper, you were be angry when she cried and yell at her you did not give a fuck about her, so I had to step in and change diapers and make her bottles at night and the next morning having to go to school I was fucken 12 years old, that was your responsibility, I never agreed on doing this. You just fucken knew that I would take care of her, you figure the dumb ass Shania is weak and stupid enough to do my job ,right?

I was crying, and she knew that I was crying and in my fucking head am I thinking have I really forgiving her? I took a deep breath and yes, I still felt like I forgave her, I was crying because I remembered and I was crying because I finally had the balls to tell her exactly how I felt. For once she was hearing my part of the story.

She was crying, I could hear her.

Mom—I love you, I always have and I never gave you advice because I really did not know how to handle a teenager, I was going through my own problems, I was an emotional wreck and you always showed me that you were very mature for your age. About the other stuff, I AM FUCKEN SORRY, I FUCKEN HATED MY SELF FOR THAT,WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, I did not know what to do

Me—I forgave you, I am not bitter anymore. I was crying because I was able to tell you how I felt all this years (This time I meant what I said)

(I forgot to mention when my step father kicked me out and she did nothing, but I figure it did not matter anymore).LOL I Know, all of a sudden I wanted bring up every little thing my mom did.

That night she called me to tell me that she was feeling happy and thankful to God because she had understood many things and that now she appreciates the most simple things in life, bird watching , gardening especially planting flowers , she admired their beauty and taking care of them and watching them grow gave her great pleasure.
She gave me a few websites were she had purchased amaryllis bulbs, that is my favorite flower she said, I really did not care for flowers I am not interested in gardening I told her, she insisted in asking me to check them out on the web, I agreed because we just had a major breakthrough and did not want to start an argument.
I went on line and I saw those flowers, they were beautiful and even that I was not a flower kind of person I truly saw their beauty , how God created flowers just to delight our sight. Flowers and gardening have a new meaning to me, especially amaryllis. (I don’t think that many of you noticed but in all the posts” about my mother” I included a picture of amaryllis, a tribute to my mother.)

We spent over 4 hours on the phone, bonding about flowers, menopause, hormones and her past.

About my mother... (Part 4 or 6)

It has been a little over 4 years since the last time I saw her, I have never invited her to come and visit me here in Canada, she tried to invite herself once, I told her that we were painting the apartment. I guess she got the point and has never mentioned it again.

About a month ago she called me and as usual, called me to complain about the world, about all her medical conditions, to tell me how terrible my brothers are doing, I had it! I have been listening to this kind of conversations for a long long time and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that all she does is to call me to complain, to bitch and rant about things that are out of her control, that I did not want to hear it and if she called me again to tell me the same thing, she should not bother because I was gonna hang up anyways.

A couple of days later she called and said that she wasn’t feeling well, that she was sick and everyday was difficult to live because she felt like crap. I basically told her that it’s all in her head an told her to think positive, to try and control her thoughts, to pray and that I would pray for her as well. The truth of the matter is that I did not give a rats ass, I felt bad that she felt this way but I was like fuck it, that’s her life, I was desensitized about her emotional well being.


A week has passed since our last conversation, I was watching TV, “Oprah” and It was a show about hormone therapy and menopause, I saw the show and I started thinking about my mother , many of the symptoms that these women had were similar to the ones my mother described. I started doing research on menopause and hormone therapy, my understanding on hormone therapy was limited but I tried to give her as much information as I could, at the same time I became more sympathetic towards her I understood that it was not in her head like I believed.

I was reading a book called “The new earth” by Eckhart Tolle ( I have not finished it so I cant really recommend it) I came across with a chapter that was talking about “the pain body” It made me think why was it that I could not forgive my mother, was it because I was too hurt? Yes I was hurt, did I want to forgive her? Yes, I did, I did not want to have this resentment towards her, and did I love her? Of course I loved her. Like I said, I have not finish the book so I can’t get into depth about the pain body. After I analyzed all my thoughts and my feelings I thought about the pain body and I asked myself, Do I forgive my mother?
Yes I do, I truly forgive her, I truly feel that way, I felt at ease, I felt at peace.

About My Mother.... (Part 3 of 6)

After being away from my mother (about a year) she called me, not that I did not contacted her before I did but most of the time I would say:
-- Hey, how are you?
--OK
--good
--blah, blah ,blah
-- Whatever
- Listen, I am going out so.. gotta go
-- OK
--bye

I was never interested in what she had to say. The day she called me, I guess she was feeling sick or depressed or whatever. She said that she made some mistakes in her life and she felt sorry for my brothers because they had a really rough time growing up, because she made some stupid decisions. The part that killed me was when she said:” Out of everybody you had it the easiest, you were so lucky”. I remember that I was furious , I don’t remember exactly what I was doing but I remember that I stop and wanted to fucken cry and tell her HOW THE FUCK YOU SAY THAT !ARE YOU FUCKEN SERIOUS? I was speechless, I was shocked I was hurt, I lost it, I told her: “You have no idea what you are saying, that I had it easy, that I was lucky, YOU FUCKED UP MY LIFE” I hung up


We did not hear from each other for a couple of months, I don’t know who called who but we eventually talked. We never mention this conversation again and I never apologized for what I said and neither did she.

I never filled her in about my life, she never knew anything and she never asked. We continue calling each other on holidays and birthdays. One of those calls was the one that I was waiting for years, yeah; it was when she called asking me to forgive her.
I waited for this a really longtime but when she actually said: “can you forgive me for everything I have done” I was numbed, I did not see that coming, and I did not feel like it was enough.

Of course I said yes, but I did not feel that way, I felt like I said yes out of pity for her, I said yes because somehow I knew that’s what she wanted to hear, I did not want to hurt her feelings I did not want history to repeat itself .Once my mother confessed that she had a really bad relationship with her grandmother and that on her deathbed she asked my mother to forgive her… and she refused.

Later I thought about that, I was remembering the way she sounded when she asked me for forgiveness she was really sorry, she was frustrated, she was hurt, and her voice was as if she was pleading.

Yes, I really said yes but gosh why was I not able to feel that I've forgiving her, I really wanted to forgive her, I wanted to have a conversation with her and not saying in my head: yeah , whatever its all your fault, you are paying for your sins, I mean how was I able to think that way, why every time she opened her mouth she would annoy me, anything she said seemed unintelligent even if she had good point of view, why was I still judging her? I was not God, not even close.

I wanted so bad to forgive her, I wasn’t able to feel that way so I settled for diplomacy.

About My Mother.... (Part 2 of 6)

I remember when I was about 12 years old, I prayed to God to spare my brothers from this hell, to make them happy, and that I would take all the yelling and emotional abuse that my mother was causing. I did not want them to go through that pain.

I could never count on her for anything, I could never tell her a secret because she would yell at me. I could not ask for advice because she will tell me that it was a stupid possibility and why in the world am I thinking that way. She judged me, she yelled, she was angry and would tell all her friends that there is something wrong with me.


I was counting the months for me to be 18yrs old and to leave and never comeback. I was so naïve,I can never get away from her, I can never be far enough from her. Not even after death. After all, she is my mother……

I was never able to open up about my feelings with my friends and I have never talked about this with anyone else. I guess it’s much easier through this medium because no one knows who I am.Except for my best friend that occasionally reads my blog. I guess I am ready to talk about this now.


Mi mama, mi mama, mi mama, was fucking driving me crazy. I wanted to fucken snap and drive, drive away and never ever comeback. I lived with her for awhile, until she started complaining. Why was I still living at home? I thought are you fucking kidding me? First you ask me to live with you and now that you don’t need me anymore you fucken toss me away? I was mouthy as hell. I would say shit that made her feel stupid in front of other people. I was cynical; I had a sarcastic way of saying things, trying to be diplomatic but straight to the Jugular. I could not swear in front of her, because fucken good girls don’t do that…. So sick of that shit.

An opportunity came up to come to Canada. Well, it was more like a guy. I met him online, we talked for about 8 to 9 months on the phone, webcam, we exchanged pictures, phone sex, etc...

I knew he would be trouble, I just had a feeling… I guess I made myself believe that I loved him... I was exited about talking to him. He was soooo good looking, with beautiful eyes and lips. He was very manly, I was infatuated. We were very different. I was a good Christian girl, he was Muslim, I did not drink nor smoke, he 420 all the way. We had nothing in common. Maybe the only thing in common was that we were both confused and were looking for something different. Maybe we were looking for love.

About My Mother....... Part 1 of 6

I have very few fond memories of my mother. Most of them are mix together in a big blur. As soon as I was 18 years of age, I tried to move far away from her. Always trying to be different, always trying to do different than her.

There were times that I hated her. I did not want to be her daughter. I did not want to look like her and although my mother was an attractive woman, every time people will compare me to her, the thought of it made me cringe.

I never had a good relationship with her. Our personalities, our lifestyles, our ideas and ideologies were totally different. Sometimes I wonder if we were even related. Sometimes I wished we weren’t. I used to play with the idea that my mother was the lady down the street or the lady that served food at my school. When we had parents meetings at school, I never told her. Even in talent shows, I never invited her. I was embarrassed, nothing to do with the way she looked, but I was just embarrass to be her daughter. On my graduation day, I told her 20 minutes before taking off to the ceremony. I remember seeing her from across the auditorium, just not having many emotions towards her. I felt that the love that I felt for her was dormant, as if I was in a coma and will not be waking up soon.

I was just so hurt for her selfishness, I was hurt because she ditched my dad, I blamed her because I was not happy. I was angry because she never once told me that she loved me, because she lied about many things, because she tried to commit suicide. I was angry that she let my stepfather kick me out and all she gave me was 20 dollars. 20 fucken dollars, for crying out loud, I had no job, no where to go. I blamed her for all my insecurities, for my miserable life, for the feeling of emptiness that could never be filled. That was the way I felt about her.

As I grew older, I told myself that I loved my mother, that I had to be good to her, that if I am a God fearing girl, I should be the bigger person and just forgive her, even if she thought she did nothing wrong. I lived like this for a while, pretending that there was nothing wrong, that everything was nice and dandy. Was it? NO! It was far from peachy. I was still angry, I was resentful, I felt like I deserved an apology and the apology never came.

I tried to live with her once again, not because I wanted to, but I just felt sorry when she came to ask me to help her with the rent. I could not refuse to help her, that’s not what good girls do.

So I lived with her for sometime. She was so unstable, she was miserable herself and wanted to make everyone else around her miserable too. That was who my mother was.