Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Why did I come to Canada?! Part 20 of 27

It was probably about 6:00 PM and I was sleepy so I decided to go back home to check if Moe maybe had already come down from his high. I opened the door and there was Marven, Loizo, Moe and other friends. I greeted everyone there and of course I thought I would not be able to sleep as it is a studio and there are no doors or privacy whatsoever. They were smoking weed and invited me by asking if I wanted a hit. I didn’t feel like smoking, but didn’t want to be the "party pooper," so I started smoking weed. Everything was so peaceful; I was so relaxed. I was laughing and having such a good time. I was happy. I don’t know when everybody else left, but it was only me and Marvin left. We were watching tv and talking crap. Everything was right but then I started to talk about him…..

I guess Marven was getting bored of me talking about Piercedtongue because he said he needed to go home. He probably thought that I was such a buzz killer. I started getting ready to go to bed when Moe came back and asked me if I was going anywhere. I asked, why? "Ohh, cuz I met this chick and I kind of want to be with her for a bit. Can I ask you to comeback in a couple of hours? After this I am going out and you can comeback." I agreed. After all it was his place and I understood that he wanted to be alone. I rushed to get my things and left.

Once again I am outside not knowing where to go. It was like 9 PM. I walked and sat by the park, but left because there were a few guys and I was getting scared. Finally 11 PM and I decided that I was gonna go back. I went back and noticed that I did not have my key. I knocked and knocked but there was no one. Moe had left... fuck!!! I am so screwed! I waited for Moe for an hour, but sometimes I wont see Moe for weeks...shit! I started walking towards Sasha's place. Maybe I can just ask her to let me stay this time. I was too exhausted to do anything else. I went to her place but right before I knocked on the door I heard her husband and her arguing in Russian. Oh no!! I cant ask her now! I went to the highest floor at her apartment building. I was too weak and tired to go anywhere, so I slept in the stairwell, where I thought there was no traffic.

I thought about calling my mom and just tell her to take me back this time. I know that if I would've told her my situation she would take me back, but she would remind me about this for the rest of my life. No I can't do this, I have to suck it up. I have to manage and I cant ask for help. I got myself into this mess and I have to get out by myself. I cant let no one know what I am going through.
I woke up around 7 AM and I had to leave before some one saw me. I went back to Moe's place and hoped that he was there. He opened the door and asked me where I had been. I told him I forgot my key and that I was at Sasha’s. He went back to his bed and as I was still tired I went to sleep to my bed. I know, so awkward both of us sleeping in the same room, but I did not care was too I worn out


underOvr (aka The U) said...

Good morning Shania,

I love reading about your experiences. This was a difficult journey for a young woman to face. In spite of that I don't sense any bitterness in your words; for that I am most thankful.

Reading your last few posts has caused me some sadness in thinking about what you went through.

Something you said seems to be a common theme throughout this experience, "I have to suck it up. I have to manage and I cant ask for help. I got myself into this mess and I have to get out by myself. I cant let no one know what I am going through."

You seem adamantly opposed to help yet you were in no position to help yourself. This seems to be a type of pride that restricts rather than benefits. If this is the case, I hope you've learned that this is not the kind of pride one needs.

Not one of us has all the answers to life's puzzling questions. We need to be able to trust that others care about us.

Someone will need the help that only you can give them Shania. What happens if everyone adhered to a philosophy of I have to get out of this by myself? What happens when that person says, "I can't tell Shania, she can never know how bad things are for me."

I would like to think that you went through this experience to position you to help encourage another young woman.


Shania said...

U: I think that maybe by the end of this journey I was getting a bit bitter but things took a turn for the better and I have no bitterness whatsoever.

I am glad that you mention "pride" because while writing this and thinking of my feelings and actions at the time, I didn't know I had this problem LOL until reading it for myself I knew that pride kept me from reaching out.

I changed but it was not willingly,it was more of an automatic change. I didn't realize till now.

Like I mentioned before, I adopted the role of a "counselor" because most of my friends would ask me for advice and was able to see things that they didn't. But I guess this always happen when someone is looking from the outside.
I felt like it was wrong for me to ask questions or to ask for help. Plus I grew up in a family were asking for help or having questions showed "weakness".

You made an interesting point by saying "What happens if everyone adhered to a philosophy of I have to get out of this by myself?"
It is very true but I didn't see it until "someone" pointed it out .

I hope that I did/do encourage a young woman because it is a tough world out there to make it by yourself.
Thanks for your comment.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Shania,

I have been reading some of your comments to my blog entries. I'm thankful I don't write a daily blog :-)

I've said before how much I enjoy reading about your journey. You have a wonderful and lovely spirit about you; I can see why many seek your advice and counsel. It takes a willing ear to listen and not judge another.

You're right, it is a tough world out there. I'm glad there are people like you who help smooth and soften the edges of the world we live in.


.beee. said...

I just cannot imagine going through the things that you've been through. I don't think I could've been as strong as you were. It's amazing, your strength.

Christine said...

Again, the brilliance of U came thru!!
I was thinking about you not asking for help ....
So, without sounding redundant …….. what U said!! :O)

Shania said...

thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave your feedback.