I don’t want to be thinking what if? And I should’ve or why didn’t I?
When my time is up
I want to look into the eyes of my family
Without saying a word, with out making a fuss
I want them to know that I had a great life
That while I was here
I made a difference in their lives
No tears, no sadness, no frustration, no negativity
I have done what I can and have fulfilled my mission in life
I had learned so much and truly knew what living meant...
I am ready to meet my creator
I am ready to move to the other dimension
Where there is none of that silliness that I was accustomed while living on earth
In that place, no one cares about how much money you have, the way you look, what your ethnicity is, or what university you graduated from
It will just be me, my true essence...
No façades, no lies, or pretending to be someone that I am not
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t be able to hide anywhere
I will be exposed
I would be standing there as if I was naked, but won’t feel vulnerable
I will feel confident and whole
I would have to take responsibility for my actions while I was on earth
I would see all the trials and tribulations that I went through
It was necessary
That’s how I learned to live and got equipped with the right armor
I will live forever
It might take me a bit to get use to the changes and all the strange things that I would see, but will be thrilled to be there
I will see some of my family members and we would re tale anecdotes of when we were on earth
We would laugh about the many times we cried and felt distressed when something went wrong in our lives. “How silly we were… being a big baby and crying when the universe was trying to teach us something” someone would point out
I would take long walks with Jesus and ask many questions… questions about the universe, science, religion, life and will understand everything
I would literally feel how my mind keeps expanding as I am taking all this knowledge
My mind and the universe expanding in one accord
No more confusion, now everything makes sense
I would be asked to greet new people and it will feel as we knew one another… as if we were old friends but we’ve never met
We would be happy to see each other
When we were living in the world, our souls knew one another, our souls made connections but we were too busy to pay attention. While living on earth, our physical body was in charge and our souls, our poor souls were neglected, suffering in silence
But now it’s time for our souls to rise
This is who I’m really are
This is home where I belong
The clocks keep ticking
Every day gets closer to my departure
Every day I have a chance to prepare myself for that day
My choices affect my decisions and my decisions affect my destiny
I would like to thank Christine for giving me these awards. Which brings me to my next question WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CHRISTINE? DID I MISS SOMETHING? Anyhow, Christine if you are reading this, I just want to thank you for the awards and hope everything is going well in your life. If you have a chance don’t hesitate to leave me a message.
I would like to pass on Neno’s award to:
The 1.000.000 project: I want to thank you for the many times I laughed while reading your blog.
Jeah, Lover of life: thanks for reminding me of the many beautiful things that are worth living.
The gardeners life in motion: What can I say.. I guess people need to read your blog so they can understand where I am coming from. You’re not afraid to speak your mind and keeping things honest. It’s a pleasure reading your blog.
Novelista barista: Thanks for sharing the world through your eyes, loved your traveling adventures.
My sanctuary: Thanks for allowing me to look into your soul, for not holding back and for sharing your thoughts. Lovely poems.
Valerie Wangnet: Wow! What else can I say. Love your writing style… as Christine once said.. or something like it“ it scares me but some how I keep looking for more.”
Life and Woes: Love your blog; love your sense of humor. Keep up the good work.
Nimrod’s Tower: thanks for the advice that you’ve giving me…. it sure made me see things in a new light.
There are no rules to follow(there were rules but I forgot them.) Just pass on these awards to your favorite bloggers.
As you all know I haven’t been here in a while. To be honest… I didn’t feel like turning on the computer, writing on my blog, checking my email, I didn’t sign in the msn or facebook. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone, I cancelled many invitations to go out and didn’t call my friends for a while. I drifted into reading and thinking. I was thinking so much but I couldn’t write anything, thinking about so much crap that didn’t make any sense. It might be because for a while I have been jobless, and I can’t work until I solve some issues but this might take about 6 to 8 months. Oddly enough I was not bored because even though I am not working, I am doing a lot of things such as taking care of a family member that is ill, pretty much this occupied most of my day.
When it was time for me to relax, I wasn’t interested in doing things that once were pleasurable to do. I don’t feel I was depressed because I wasn’t sad…. who knows, maybe it was some kind of depression.
At the same time, I discovered the Twilight series… and I love them! I remember when I went to see the movie Twilight; I thought we were going to get kicked out of the movie theater because my friend and I couldn’t stop laughing thinking on how corny the story was… Until I read the book, OMG I totally felt in love with Edward Cullen. I devoured the 1st book in 2 days and the 2nd book in one day. I am currently on the 3rd book but taking it slow because I am approaching the last book and I don’t want it to end! I know how silly it sounds; I never thought that I was going to have dreams about Edward Cullen. I am just hoping that Midnight Sun would come out soon (Edward’s point of view.)
Anyhow, this Friday I resolved to say yes to an invitation to hang out with a couple of friends and decided that it was time to step out of that “daze”. I am overwhelm by the messages that some of you left (especially on 20somethingbloggers.) I couldn’t help but to feel touched by your concerns and the much love that was received. Thank you, it means a lot to me. I probably would never meet most of you but to know that I have made many good friends through this medium makes me feel that I have incredible amounts of support. As my inner ghetto-fabulous girl would say “you got my back, on citas”!
Sometimes without conscious realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living holding on the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to renter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the places of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but he finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone on to a new and different life, and in thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists. The color of water by James McBride Chapter 24
While looking for a book to read I found my yearbook. In an instant I was transported to that sunny day in June when graduation was going to take place. It must have been around noon when I was waiting outside the dean’s office.
It was no surprise that he wanted to see me. Finally it was my turn to go in. He said “I am doing all I can to see you graduate but to be honest with you I am not sure if that will be possible”.
I was hardly in school that senior year. I skipped so many classes, hated math class and I didn’t go at all. The only class that I loved and was always there was French. Although my teacher was a phony and an asshole, I loved French class and everything that had to do with France. I used to play with the idea that one day I would move to France and meet a handsome guy; we will marry and live happily ever after. French was the only subject in which I never had less than a B in all my tests and quizzes.
I came out of his office not knowing what to do. How will I be able to tell my mom that I’m not graduating? What am I going do if I can’t finish high school? My friends were talking about the clothes they were going to wear underneath their gown and the way they’ll do their hair. But not me, I didn’t care about that. I was hoping for a miracle.
Everybody started going home but I didn’t want to go, home was the last place I wanted to be. I headed for my locker and I saw my 7th period teacher (an after school program were they help kids with their homework.) Mr. Dominguez asked if I was ready to walk the aisle in full cap and gown. If I was relived that all my hard work had paid off. I didn’t say anything, for one I didn’t want him to know about my problems and on the other hand I was the president of the Hispanic club (a 150 member club.)I was mortified if he found out what a bad example I was. Embarrassed to tell him that I was never in school because I partied a lot, I responded “yes I am ready” he said “what are you doing here, go home… you girls take so long ... You will need all the time you can get. He was smiling but I wasn’t. He then asked if everything was OK. I didn’t reply … I was asked to go to his classroom.
I explained what happened. He had no Idea that I was always skipping school. After a much deserved scolding, he asked If I had been to summer school and have done community service. I was always going to summer school. Not because I wanted to learn but because being at home was hell, it was better to be in school then to put up with the constant yelling and screaming at my mom’s house. In regards of the community service, I had tons of hours because being the president of a club meant that you have to volunteer so others can follow and then again, I rather do that then put up with my mom.
Mr. Dominguez called every place were I volunteered and asked them to send faxes stating that in deed I was there. He also called the dean and explained that every year I had been to summer school, took a 7th period class and had tons of community hours. After much deliberation the dean said:” you are graduating, I want to see you at 4:30 today”. I was thrilled, I couldn’t believe it! I hugged Mr. Dominguez, thanked him for helping me out and rushed to get home.
When I arrived home, mom wasn’t there… While waiting for her, I started to get ready. It was 4pm and my mom finally arrived.
I said “mom are you coming to my graduation?”
For the longest time she kept asking when was I going to graduate? I didn’t give her a date because I wasn’t sure.
She said: “ok, tell me when you are going to graduate so I can ask for the day off”
I said: “I am goanna graduate in about 2 hour.
My mom said: “WHAT? YOU ARE TELLING ME NOW? I HAVE TO BE AT WORK IN 20 MINUTES.
She was furious. I told her that if she didn’t want to go she could go to work, but for Hispanic parents (or most parents) missing your daughter/son graduation ceremony it is like missing their wedding day.
Standing in the stadium looking at the crowd, I could see my mom; she had this gigantic flower arrangement. It felt so good that she was there; I was hoping that she was proud of me. I changed my direction to the names on the floor, all in alphabetic order. So many empty spaces, many friends that didn’t make it to graduation day. Some of them in juvi (juvenile hall, jail for minors) others got pregnant, a handful had to drop out of high school to start working and help their families, a few got lost in the world of gangs, violence and drugs, and some simply didn’t have enough credits to finish high school. In a class of about 1000 students about 500 made it to that day. For many, high school is the beginning, for us was a long and enduring battle. We couldn’t believe that we were standing there, after much struggle we made it.
The stadium was filled with our hopes and dreams. Some wanted to be rappers or entertainers, others athletes, most of us if not all wanted to make our families proud, a few had dreams of going to college and many just wanted to get the hell out of that town and live life. We were ready to experience the world and eat it whole in one bite. We were naïve and immature, we were young.
After the ceremony some of my friends were throwing a party. We danced and drank, but mostly we talked. We started talking since 11pm until the next day around 9am. We were closer than ever, all of us were able to open up, talk about our wildest dreams and the way we were feeling about becoming adults. No one poked fun of anyone, we treated each other with respect as good brothers and sisters. We advised one another, we laughed, cried and laughed some more. We promised to be friends forever, to never forget about one another, to keep in touch and that no matter where we go, we will always remember where we came from.
I haven’t seen most of them since, and do not keep in touch with any of them, but I would never forget that night. There was no drama, and no judgment. That night, when all of us were there for each other, a true familia.
We felt like an army, some soldiers were not with us anymore, others were wounded but for the ones there, we were delighted to be together closer than ever. We couldn’t wait to start living.
I am just a regular girl living in this world. Trying to learn more about myself and the things that I really want.
When I was younger I thought I knew what life was about. The more I live the less I know. I am in this journey full of questions and to tell the truth some questions probably wont have answers. One thing I am certain,I will find people along the way that will help me in this quest.
