It was starting to hit me that it was over, I couldn’t force someone to love me; I gotta have some dignity….. I was so sick of crying, I had this sense of despair, and hopelessness. It is over, it’s over I kept telling myself……. But some where deep inside my heart … I still believed…. when believing was not enough, I hoped…….when hope failed….. I dreamt… and in my dreams he was still there, just the way I saw him for the first time, smiling at me and happy to see me.
Note for my Best friend: Girl, I am so sorry that I kept many things from you, when I talked to you I didn’t tell you everything that was going on, I did not want to tell you…. I didn’t want to look weak and I did not want you to feel sorry for me. I was too proud to accept that my decisions placed me exactly where I was…
I did not want to shatter your “idea” of true love and happiness, you still believed in fairytales and I did not want to be the one that would kill your dreams… you believed in true love.. and I… did not know what I believed any more.
I love you girl and… I am sorry … but I couldn't tell you, besides I think you would not have answers for me… I am sorry but… I am supposed to be the strong the one that always had answers for your questions, I was the counselor remember? I was Shania the fearless, for some reason I adopted the role of being the one that had everything put together but I was nothing like it I was afraid of things I was sensitive, I was scared and full of question just like anybody else… I never let you saw my insecure side, the side that needed comfort, that was not who I was supposed to be.
I had to figure it out for myself and I couldn’t allow anybody to see me defeated, I couldn’t stand people feeling sorry for me. I could not reach out to anybody; my faith was the only thing that kept me standing… I gave advice to people but nobody was able to advice me… or maybe I did not want to listen because…. I thought I knew what the answer was I guess my stubbornness and pride kept me from reaching out.
What I am about to write are things that I have never told you and I hope you understand….. I am sorry
I was looking for a job and would list Sasha’s address and phone number and just checked with her every other day. It was extremely difficult to find a job because employers would ask for my social insurance (its social security for Americans) and I did not have one.
The food was running out and I was broke.
I was so depressed; I could not stop beating myself up for my stupidity for being such a moron and ruining my life this way. I was angrier at myself then at him… because I still wished that he would comeback (how pathetic.)
To be continued...
